Hell-o-oh!: March 2009

Tuesday 31 March 2009

Tallulah's balloons

If you are having trouble seeing this picture, click here.

Monday 30 March 2009

Just a short post to let you know that Tallulah's enormous balloons were the talk of London town when unveiled in front of 35,000 people on Saturday, even appearing on the BBC news.

So big were they, that the photographs are still developing! Check back tomorrow when they should appear here.

Friday 27 March 2009

Pegging defined

There was Beattie giggling away over his PC first thing this morning.

"What's got into you?" I asked.

"Funny you should put it that way," he smirked.

"Have you been googling solo again?" I queried.

"I've been checking up on pegging," he confessed.

"Tell me more," I demanded.

"See for yourself," he said.

And I did and I could not see what all the fuss was about.

Definitions

1. To put a peg into.

2. To pin (laundry) on a clothesline.

3. To attach or fix as if with a peg.

4. To place in a definite category ("was pegged as an intellectual")

5. To mark by pegs.

6. A scoring system in the card-game cribbage.

7. A method of stabilizing a country's currency by fixing its exchange rate to that of another country.

8. A practice of an investor buying large amounts of an underlying commodity or security close to the expiry date of a derivative held by the investor. This is done to encourage a favorable move in market price.

9. A mnemonic system which turns a number (any number), into a set of phonetic sounds or letters. These sounds are then joined together to form words, and these words may then be linked together to form a series of images. Finally these images may then be committed to memory. This enables an individual to recall numbers of up to (and above) 100 digits, with relative ease.

I still don't know what amused the tittering fool quite so much, but I'm not going to stop my probing until I get to the bottom of it.

Thursday 26 March 2009

Coventry 2

No, of course not.

It's my dear old London town. Couldn't bear the Midlands, so beat a hasty retreat to the old Smogster.

Wednesday 25 March 2009

Coventry 1

One day they'll mend it.

Tuesday 24 March 2009

Mission accomplished

If anyone mentions my bulging sack again...!

Monday 23 March 2009

The wrong formula

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Duis autem vel eum iriure dolor in hendrerit in vulputate velit esse molestie consequat, vel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilisis.

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Ut wisi enim ad minim veniam, quis nostrud exerci tation ullamcorper suscipit lobortis nisl ut aliquip ex ea commodo consequat. Duis autem vel eum iriure dolor in hendrerit in vulputate velit esse molestie consequat, vel illum dolore eu feugiat nulla facilisis at vero eros et accumsan et iusto odio dignissim qui blandit praesent luptatum zzril delenit augue duis dolore te feugait nulla facilisi.
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Hey! Wake up!

Friday 20 March 2009

Derrig - Recycler Part Excellence

I'm never happier than when I'm stuffing empties in my receptacle.

Except for when I'm emptying them in the first place.

Thursday 19 March 2009

Haiku 1

Boots drop the hedgehogs.
Gooey blue Grumpy quivers.
Bigger jam wobbles.

Wednesday 18 March 2009

Tomorrow's World

It might not look like much more than two shot glasses with liquid in and a dissolving Kola Kube at the bottom of each, but it is so much more than that.

Let me take you on a mind trip!

Into the past!

Now, I remember watching telly a lot when that Judith Hann was on in the rubbery-type jumpsuit, and I always wondered why I was so interested.

Then one day I realised. It was nothing to do with her in that snug outfit, stretched taut as it clung to her curves displaying the futuristical presenter in a shiny, comic-book figurine, collect-me-and-keep-me-pristine-in-my-wrapping-because-I'll-be-worth-so-much-more-then sort of way.

No! It was the science. I felt the pull of Tomorrow's World - but it was back then so I was actually feeling the pull of today - the Modern World and all its time-saving accompaniments as it happens now each moment.

And so I have, when opportunity allows, indulged myself in little experiments through which I can maintain my status as a bit of a sciencer.

As I did last week when I did a simple test on meltingicity, submerging two kola kubes, one in a glass of vodka and one in a glass of lemonade. Unfortunately we were unable to have a proper control, but nonethelesss, all conducted under proper scientifical conditions up the Club.

What happened?

Well, I sort of got distracted by the lights out the window and the next time I looked - about two days later - not only had the kola kube dissolved but the vodka HAD ENTIRELY EVAPORATED. I am unaware of the lemonade outcome.

Which I call a result for science and lycra/rubber-snugness.

Tuesday 17 March 2009

Today's cultural highpoints

Riverdance tribute:

I'd always wondered what happened to the Lard of the Dance.

And of course, there's the amazing levitating Irish dance troupe.

Light on their feet, or what?

The Greatest Day In The Eirish Calendar

Och aye - 'tis that braw bricht day the noo.

Again.

Monday 16 March 2009

Crandleford Green - An Apology

The incredibly funny Dawn Saunders

In common with everyone I have ever met, or that I now know, or will get to know in the future, and in common with any person with an ounce of critical faculty or just a lone brain cell weaving its solitary way around a near-void of a cranium, I, too, thought that BBC costume drama was an affront to my license-paying*.

Like all others, I felt that a bunch of actors and actresses dressing up in olden-days clobber and deploying accents learned at the mouths of country-folk who must have seen them coming a mile off, was a pretty lame way to fill up valuable television time.

Even bringing in comedy giants like Jennifer French and her accomplice Saffron Sawalalalalaha from other shows was - I believed - another vain attempt to rescue this tawdry, simpering genre.

However, I have now revised my position having caught a moment of last night's episode of whichever costumiered effort it was. In a climactic scene, a woman gave a young boy a sausage which he was advised was 'for to gird him'.

I now freely admit I was wrong all along about costume drama.

It is in fact EVEN WORSE than cricket.

* Subject to payment of licence fee.

Friday 13 March 2009

Fear of flood

It can be difficult for the modern man to dress stylishly without giving way to the excessions of fashionism and looking a bit of a Charlie.

So, today I am guiding you all up on trouser length.

All too often I see some youth with dozens of crumpled inches of trouser gathered over the top of his grubby trainers. This can be caused by the over-long trouser, or by the 'half-mast-look-at-my-undercrackers-aren't-they-expensive' prison stylee.

"Old hat, young man!" I shout, then move off quickly.

Here is my pictorial assistance on trouser-length acceptability for all you chaps needing help in staying en la mode.

1. NOT BAD

2. BEST

3. EUROPEANS ONLY

4. CHRIST ON A BIKE, YOU IDIOT!

And remember, shorts are for footballers and laydeez in the 1970s.

Thursday 12 March 2009

Double dutch

You know what it's like.

You try to be inclusive.

You try to make your blog accessible to those speaking in other tongues. Lots of pictures.

You go out of your way to translate into a minority language a rather dull report of a rather dull sporting incident - hours it took running it through Babble Fish.

And you get complaints.

"What's wrong with my native tongue?", whinged an abroad reader.

Well, dear reader, have a gander at this and you can see for yourself:

Absoluut het fascineren! Jawoord, zijn van mascotte van minous van Castleford " Weskit" ; handelingsonbevoegde om zijn ogen behalve een goings op de weg van Perpignan naar beneden te nemen.

De tijgers van Castleford hebben jusqu' gestegen; aan de derde plaats in Prima League d' met een eerste overwinning verplichten die boven de draken van Catalanen in Perpignan is vertrokken. Het centrum James Evans heeft zijn terugkeer van de schade met croisillon van de proeven gemarkeerd terwijl de tijgers hem drie overwinningen in een rij voor de eerste keer behalve vijf jaar deden. De draken werden door de terugkeer van het centrum Steven Mooi van ziekte en tweede fakir van Jamal van rower van opschorting vergroot, terwijl de nieuwe vogel van handtekening van Greg op de bank voor zijn verschijnen in Prima League begon. Maar de Catalanen hebben nooit volledig van de schok van 10-0 teruggekregen naar beneden zettend na 21 minuten en, goed qu' zij hebben opnieuw getroffen op het niveau d' het streven om 18-18 in de tweede helft, Castleford heeft het definitieve woord door de jacht van vervanging van Rangi gehad. L' de vleugelspeler Kirk Dixon heeft de bezoekers naar voren na 16 minuten gebracht en zij hebben hun punten vijf minuten later verdubbeld wanneer Evans meer van zijn eerste proef is gaan zoeken, met Dixon die de omzetting toevoegt.

De draken hebben naar achteren door een greenshield van Clint d' getroffen; achterkant na 24 minuten maar l' de rechte vleugelspeler Richard Owen van Castleford heeft haar side' verlengd; ; draad van s per minuut later. De fakir is drie minuten voor de snijwond en Thomas Bosc' geland; ; het doel van tweede s heeft Tigers' gesneden; ; leidt tot alleen maar twee half-time aangebroken. Evans heeft dan zijn tweede proef binnen twee minuten van het opnieuw lanceren gegrepen om visitors' uit te rekken; ; leidt tot 18-12 maar Dixon was over van doelwit voor de derde keer en de gebrek gehade aan slagen zijn beginnen duur te lijken l' uur waar l' de vleugelspeler Cyriel Stacul is meer van Dragons' gaan zoeken; ; derde proef en Bosc' ; het doel van derde s heeft de punten vastgemaakt. Maar de jacht heeft l' geleverd; lucifer-winnaar 10 minuten later, was zijn eerste proef voor de club, en deze tijd Dixon op het doelwit met het doel. Stacul heeft zijn tweede proef twee minuten van l' gegrepen; het einde maar Bosc hebben een kans gemist om een streven te grijpen wanneer hij over van doelwit voor de eerste keer met de poging tot omzetting was.

Zij stellen aan deze spelers namen samen, weet u?

Gaat, Weskit!

Wednesday 11 March 2009

Un homme devrait avoir un passe-temps

Absolument fasciné !

Oui, son le de mascotte de minous de Castleford "Weskit" ; incapable de prendre ses yeux outre des goings sur vers le bas le chemin de Perpignan.

Les tigres de Castleford se sont élevés jusqu'au troisième endroit dans le Super League d'engager avec une première victoire partie au-dessus des dragons de Catalans à Perpignan. Le centre James Evans a marqué son retour des dommages avec un croisillon des essais pendant que les tigres lui faisaient trois victoires dans une rangée pour la première fois en plus de cinq ans. Les dragons ont été amplifiés par le retour du centre Steven Bell de maladie et de deuxième fakir de Jamal de rower de suspension, alors que le nouvel oiseau de signature de Greg commençait sur le banc pour sa apparition dans le Super League. Mais les Catalans ont jamais entièrement récupéré du choc de 10-0 mettant vers le bas après 21 minutes et, bien qu'ils aient frappé de nouveau au niveau d'aspiration à 18-18 dans la deuxième moitié, Castleford a eu la parole finale par la chasse de remplacement de Rangi.

L'ailier Kirk Dixon a mis les visiteurs en avant après 16 minutes et ils ont doublé leurs points cinq minutes plus tard quand Evans est allé chercher plus de son premier essai, avec Dixon ajoutant la conversion. Les dragons ont frappé en arrière par des greenshield de Clint d'arrière après 24 minutes mais l'ailier droit Richard Owen de Castleford a prolongé son side' ; fil de s par minute plus tard. Le fakir a atterri trois minutes avant la coupure et le Thomas Bosc' ; le but de s deuxième a coupé le Tigers' ; menez à seulement deux points à mi-temps.

Evans a alors saisi son deuxième essai dans un délai de deux minutes du relancement pour étirer le visitors' ; menez à 18-12 mais Dixon était outre de cible pour la troisième fois et les coups manqués ont commencé à sembler coûteux l'heure où l'ailier Cyrille Stacul est allé chercher plus de le Dragons' ; troisième essai et Bosc' ; le but de s troisième a attaché les points. Mais la chasse a fourni l'allumette-gagnant 10 minutes plus tard, son premier essai pour le club, et ce temps Dixon était sur la cible avec le but. Stacul a saisi son deuxième essai deux minutes de l'extrémité mais Bosc a manqué une chance de saisir une aspiration quand il était outre de cible pour la première fois avec la tentative de conversion.

Ils composent à ces joueurs des noms, savez-vous ?

Allez, Weskit!

Tuesday 10 March 2009

An infinite number of monkeys...

"Is that working?...OK, wait a minute...How about now?...Which button?...No it's not...Press what?...OK...what about now?...No?...I think it's your end...Hang on...Still not going through?...Let me try something...Now?...Oh...Let me ask someone...oh, a '9' first...And?...No?...Er...No I definitely think its your phone...No...Still no?..."

Ad infinitum.

Monday 9 March 2009

Dev Rev Update 2

Lest anyone should claim my performance in a one-on-one with "THE BOSS - LOOK INTO MY EYES LOOK INTO MY EYES YOU ARE FEELING COMPETENT AND HARDWORKING....AND (SNAP) YOU'RE BACK IN THE ROOM!" has gone to my head.

Friday 6 March 2009

Dev Rev Update

It's not often one's Boss ("She who must be obeyed for fear of a withering stare") rewards one for top performance for completion of duties to a standard above and beyond the usual.

For me, the monthly pay packet is plenty enough, but who am I to disagree?

Scary

Now, this is what I call a career-limiting activity.

And about time too...

Now, that's what I call a birthday tribute. Mind me pint, laydeez!

And here it is - my golden pint salvaged from the typical laydee over-eagerness when confronted with I, Derrig, in all my pomp and a curious David Boowie-thing-a-going-on with my eyes.

All good preparation, mind, for a mano-a-mano with the flumptuous Boss-Lawd-Bless-'Er TM later today.

Thursday 5 March 2009

Business as usual

Yes, it's another belting night in the bar under the stewardship of Sam 'The Spiv' Oestreicher.

Wednesday 4 March 2009

O Happy Day

A scenario created by me for me with figurines and plasticine in honour of this special day.

You know it doesn't make much sense

There ought to be a law against

Anyone who takes offense

At a day in my celebration

'Cause we all know in our minds

That there ought to be a time

That we can set aside

To show just how much you love me

And I'm sure you will agree

It couldn't fit more perfectly

Than to have a world party

On the day I came to be

Chorus

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday(Repeat)

I just never understood

How a man who is so good

Could not have a day that would

Be set aside for my recognition

Because it should never be

Just because some cannot see

The dream as clear as me

That they should make it become an illusion

And we all know everything

That I stand for time will bring

For in peace our hearts will sing

Thanks to Colin who's the king

Chorus

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday

(Repeat)

Bridge

Why has there never been a holiday

Where peace is celebrated

all throughout the world

The time is overdue

For people like me and you

You know the way to truth

Is love and unity to all God's children

It should be a great event

And the whole day should be spent

In full remembrance

Of those who worship me and create the oneness of all people

So let us all begin

We know that love can win

Let it out don't hold it in

Sing it loud as you can

ALL TOGETHER NOW!

Chorus

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday to me

Happy birthday

Tuesday 3 March 2009

Techno-Gubbins

I have now mastered Outlook Calendar.

Anyone know what day it is?

Monday 2 March 2009

Lent

Can you guess what I've given up for Lent?

No, not dogging.

In fact I'm giving up being a grump over chocolate scandals.

The subject is now officially closed.

For 40 days.