Up The Arse!

Lovely, lads.

As ever I have been watching the mighty big "Arse" and their progress through the Cup of Europe's Sporting League of Championshits.

I have so far been delighted with their marvellous playing and kicking the ball around a bit, and all the kissing. Very invigorating if you're getting all chilly-willy on the terraces, as I often am, especially in the great British weather we are having, aren't we?

I have therefore, against my better judgement, forked out the princely sum of five pounds sterling to Power Paddy on a betting prediction of what I think in my own mind will be the outcome of tonight's clash of the tight'uns.

I'm betting that it'll be 0-0 at half time, with no goals scored at all by that point, i.e. nil-nil. I've combined that bet with my guess sucked up out of the blue that the end result will stand at....oooooh.... 1-0 to the big "Arse".

And I'm also rolling all that up in a double-carpet (wagering slang-talk) and going out on my limb that Ramsey will score the only goal...possibly in the stoppage time for time stopped added on at the end after normal time.

Naturally, if my contract for a huge amount of winnings off that little flutter comes up trumping, I will be treating all my good friends to a right slop-up nosh gratis on the morrow.

Yes, gratis free.

Colin's Call Centre

Barrel of monkeys, if you ask me.

I, Derrig, have been taken up the cudgels in support of our great campaign for defending ourselves from whatever they might choose to chuck up us, them buggers.

I have been leading vast teams of phone banking volunteers who have an enormous range of skills* to get our message across to people about why we will not put up with what it is.

Here's a sample of the kind of 1-2-1 engagement they have been engaging in with other ones.

Phoner: I'm calling on behalf of Sir Colin Derrig.

Phonee: That bastard!?! Who gave him my number?

and

Phoner: Sir Colin Derrig has personally asked me to call you.

Phonee: That bastard!?! Who gave him my number?

And so forth.

One is continually surprised by the very warm reception that the Derrig name of mine elicits from those who hear of it down their earpiece.

It's a remarkable system with some correspondingly remarkable statistics:

54 hours

3 volunteers

4 calls (two successful)

1 legal case (pending)

1 deposit (5%) taken on a pair of uPVC double-glazed windows

Ree-sult!


*non-verbal