Leather goods, perfumery

50? 50? Yeah, right....

Waiting

It appears my mention in despatches for the sterling and dangerous work I did on Saturday containing hordes of violent and angry anarcho-types in shops up and down Oxford Street has been lost in the post.

Sometimes I just despair.

Made in 1951 and still going strong!

Hugger-mugger

Don't be fooled by that wry smile.

Club Derrig just won't be the same when we are without the services of Noz "Ain't You Lot Got No Bleedin' Homes To Go To?" Security.

How else other than by the miracle of clocks would we know the time to shut?

How else would we know quite how quickly to consume our final beverage of the evening?

How else would we be able to find the way out?

A right asset, indeed.

Begob

Happy birthday, St.Patricia.

It's like waiting for a bus

Round here it's all birthdays at the moment.

Happy birthday esteemed authoress Lady Jojojojojojojojojojojo of Wheeeeeeeeelan.

This classic book is available from all good shops and Amazin.

May your next book be a little less icky.

50 not out

Yes, Joe Dolan of footballing fame, has reached his half-way point.

Fair play to him, the little laydeez-man.

A date for your diary

Men in trunks, waiting.

Beattie rushed in from his stint at Club Derrig last night all breathless and overcome a lot.

I removed my pipe and with the moist end indicated he should sit.

"Recover yourself, old chap," I said, replacing my pipe and puffing away. "Now, unburden yourself, but be quick about it - Corrie's on in a moment and I have toasted muffins to smear with preserves."

"Sir Colin," he began (always the one for etiquette, that lad) "I bring great news from the webbernet."

"Go on," I said, intrigued, and raised an eyebrow to show such.

"We have achieved equality with laydeez," he announced.

I rose from my chair and staggered across to him, and we embraced as brothers in a very manly fashion.

"You don't mean....." I said quietly.

"Yes," he said, ruffling my quiff. "We've got International Men's Day! We can celebrate on 19th November every year from now on. It's been a hard-fought battle, but I knew we'd get it in the end!"

I brushed a tear from my eye. The tide is turning.

Statuetting

Front row Oscar winners: L-R - Jools (Best camerawork); Talya (Best actor); Kate (Best make-Up).

Back row: Yours truly (Best noisiest person in a room); The Genius Amanuensis (Best Director).

Last night I was humbled to have been recognised finally by a jury of my pears. About time.

As good as my word at last

Despite all the misery brought to me by laydeez, and all the unalloyed joy I smear on them, I have bowed to public pressure and put my hand in my pocket.

Let the gannets descend.