Auf wiedersehen, darlink

Farewell, Brunhilde, one of the foxiest of all the Laydeez up the All-New Club DerrigTM. (I'm sorry I could only find a picture from the 1970's.)

Miracle hair restorer formula

Simply apply one bottle of Havana Club rum internally.

Boff

"And then you shout 'I'm calling the Police'.

It's not everyday I get to demonstrate my buttoneering techniques for a luvverly young laydee, but on this occasion I was more than delighted to oblige, and truly well up for it.

Unfortunately it was not to come to anything more as she had an allergy to brain-melting tie-shirt combo colour-clashes.

I was therefore forced to make her excuses and she left.

Aciiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeddd!

Unlike that preening popinjay Cap'n Jon Richards and his tailcoat-riding acolyte Braisers, I refuse be bound by the fashion conventions that dictate one should not mix diagonals and verticals, different shades of baby pinks and baby blues, or polyester and lycra.

I also refuse to accept that one should not get dressed under the influence of hallucinogens.

Trapped inner man? Not me, Alison.

Kris-Krosser - With A Twist

Who amongsteth you can forget those heady times of the 1990's when Kriss-Krass ruled the airwaves. Mozzer and his Smithboys had woven their musical magic and departed, only to be replaced by their devoted heirs whose intriguing lyrical assaults can be heard on such mega hits as (google that will you, Genius Amanuensis?).

But far and away and over the hills over and above this crazed pop genius was their sartorially-revolutionary approach to clothes-wearing. I speak of course of their refusal to wear clothes the right way round. Can you remember the outrage of parents everywhere as youths simply copied suit?

Well, the world turns and the fashion cycle has gone a full one, and this time I am not to be outdone.

As ever, the reliable George at Asda have come up with a cheeky twist on the mode by ..... wait for it .... creating clothes that are INSIDE-OUT! Really inspired couturiering I call it.

I could not resist the temptation and have already joined the trend. Just check that crazy seamage, people.

I do believe my youth is returning. I wonder if he's brought me anything back?

Rouge Rogue

They're spooky and they're ooky

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhhh!

(Sticky-out freezing breast tips not featured.)

Twin of Evil 1 takes a relaxing moment away from her usual fund-raising activities .

With well-developed musculature and demonstrating an obscure yoga position (the pose of the still-wet-anti-perspirant) , she is clearly readying herself to greet the trickers and treaters brave enough to knock her up this evening.

The effect, I feel, would have been vastly enhanced up if she had managed to find a mask.

MacFashionista

Tallulah has discovered a brand new way of taking a sauna in a room whilst all about remain unsteamied.

This brand new total-vinyl sweat-enhancing baggy condom is not only comfortable and stylish, it is not even that! Available as a puncho or a capo (in the same design) it is produced in a resolutely lo-vis colour so the wearer can easily blend in with emperors and other imperial types.

I can let you have one for a fiver to the usual address.

Go compare!

Special occasion

No! I will say no more!

Read all about it

Last night I was besieged in Club Derrig by a clusterful of laydees with only one thing on their minds.

There they were, like a goosey gaggle huddled in a corner talking really quite seriously. All very impressive, I must have to say for myself.

They were clearly engrossed with books - which on closer inspection turned out to be all the same book. Nice little earner for an author this Literacy Class thing.

I investigated further with one of their number, a Celtic bubbly blonde who approached the bar. With a sarcastic toss of her locks, she flourished the book at me, a hefty tome going by the name of "T' Roubles".

Now, foreign exchange is, it seems to me, a good thing. But I don't want any of it in the till of Club Derrig, thank you very much. I addressed them firmly on this matter then returned to my copy of Motor Sport, having giving them the all the very best of my opinions.

Style Guide

Anthony St.Braisers, sporting the shady v-neck/third-arm look

I for one am more than over-delighted to bring you news that none other than Braisers himself has put I-Pen to I-Pad and laid down his many rules and tips for maintaining that most elusive of qualities, to wit: stylocity.

All too often we men of the masculine gender are accused of being uncaring about our attire, blithely donning raiment as though its main purpose is to conceal our various knobbly bits etc. etc.

Braisers comes down like the wolf on the old on this outmoded approach, declaring in his "meni'vesto" , "Men! Our fab gear is solely an extension of our egos! We are peacocks!"

It's a bold war cry from the diminutive popinjay (and yet so, so very typical of the man-cum-fop Braisers) that he not only comes on all strong-like, but virtually sloshes Cap'n Jaaaaaaahhhhhhnnnn across the chops and declares him an under-dressed ninny - and this to the man who has defined most of what passes for good taste in schmutter up these parts for the past six seasons.

Braisers' Style Guide is now available in his a la mode tiny parts from Vague, Weskit Weekly, and Ideal Gnome.

Braisers - the chap putting the 'Ernie' back in dernier cri, and the 'Fec' back in affectation.

4D - in full effect

It's not often I feel the need to get up off my knees and thank Beattie face-to-face, but last night was literally the dog's binoculars.

In a multi-media spectacular at no cost to myself I was able to participate in the greatest event ever to be held in a waxworkery hereabouts.

I refer, of course, to the giant dressing-up box experience that is 'Be Spiderman' or another one of them be-garbed crime-crunchers. And in availing yourself of the full 4D (that's four pennies in old money style) you get to be spat on by the jolly green giant, which was Beattie slapped up with green emulsion and his trousers all ripped to show his bulging impressiveness.

Cap'n Jaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhnnnnnn laughed and laughed.

Perky And Pinky

Coati Mundi Gloriana Junie Woonie, or...

me being the front end of a pantomime snail.

Yes, it's Latin Garb day downabouts here.

Spick and Span.

Cheech and Chong.

Roobarb and Custard.

Over and Out.

Dedicated Follower of....Laydeez

In an alarming turnabout of the usual happenstance, I hear that London Fashion Week has not only been switched to ultra-chic Gateshead, but that the laydeez are being encouraged to mouth off as well. Talking up a storm, they are, I hear.

It's all very well, this moderne kind of thinking, but it's us men I worry about.

Next thing you know the laydeez'll be wanting the vote, and before you can say 'any chance of a cuppa, love' we'd end up with a woman Prime Minister.

Who knows where it'll stop? Women becoming scientists?

Marie Curie would be spinning in her lead-lined grave.

Boxer rebllious contender almighty!

A blooming disgrace to the world of tailoring is what I would say about it if I were talking and not blogging it all over your screen.

It's not easy to come by a specially-tailored boxing robe, and even more so when one has special requirements logo-wise.

So it's a right miffing of me when it turns up without the emblazoning on the back of my nom-d'amour 'The Anglo-Irish Love-Garden Moisturiser'.

You can surely imagine the scene if I had been properly attired. Look at how I even managed to prance and dance in the inadequately-be-logo'd garment that was so shoddily issued to me. All the grace and beauty of a granite butterfly, I think you'd agree.

Having worn it, I am now relinquishing it - in all it's sweat-soaked glory - to a Martin, as an act of charity, of which I am always silent about completely.

Derrig Towers - Refurbishment?

I am considering buying a life-size cut-out of 'Mr.Showmanship' to brighten up Derrig Towers after many years of tolerating the depressing gloom and borderline insanity of that Moonbat of Mopery, Morrissey, being on posters all over the walls of my adobe.

In fact, I think Lee would make an excellent companion for old miseryguts, sitting behind him and tinkling him up and away on his ivories.

Monstering

You will all know my penchant for coats, see for exempli gratficiatus the post here.

Well, what with being freezed up a tad, I have devoted some resources to an even hotter coat, known as a 'Parker'. Weighs a ton.

It is great for monstering up the laydeez.

As can be seen in action beneath (not a reconstruction).

Look out, girls, here I'm coming!

Oh, aye!

Huzzah and chim-chim-cheree!

Just in time to get one for me as a jolly little stocking filler, it seems the monocle is making comeback, and will be sold in HIGH STREET SHOPS!

Just what I, Derrig, need to put the final touches to my gentlemanly get-up.

In fact, why stop at one? Get me a pair, Beattie, and I'll be doubly a-goggled.

Toodle-pip, old beans!

Derrig Gear - De Rigeur!

Yes, it's sweltery-hot-get-the-old-knobblies-out-in-the-sun-type-weather and I'm a-dithering over my trouser-length options.

It's a toss-up between the 4 styles shown above, which I think show just the right amount of leggage - not too far above the patella - and have a gentlemanly and dignified look.

But - and I don't know if it's just the heat talking - I am tempted to be bolder.

I have been toying with the prospect of something that shouts 'fashion', 'mode', 'he-man', and 'look at me'.

Something like this, perhaps?

Do let me know which look you think I should be "rocking".