I wooden do that

You can probably see the look of disgust on my face.

Plates. It's plates of food. Not planks. Got that, Mr.Lah-Di-Dah Restaurateurerurrer?

So whenever I get wood now, I just say no.

Dial me up, baby

Here's me, giving it my all in my pin-money job for 'Chaps 4 U', a discreet service for discerning phone owners.

Sandwiched

Here's me - the beefy goodness in a Busy sarnie!

Black Sabbath

Last night I stumbled upon the World's Sweariest CoupleTM - Ozzly Ozzbornio and his flame-haired pot-of-vitriol-cum-missus Shazza, out for the evening to celebrate their special night.

Quelle horreurium!

A Personal Statement

Following a long-term campaign against me of enormous proportions I am forced to issue this personal statement of about me.

First off, and no shilly-shallying, I think the picture above says it all for me. A picture paints a thousand words, according to the song, and that saves me an awful lot of input.

Secondly up, on the sharing of rooms with Beattie. I am known far afield and wide away for my tightness and that's all there is to be said about that as a full and total explanation.

Thirdly now, I am comfortable in my own skin and with the smooth skin of other men in my company. It's perfectly natural and I've never been any different.

Fifthly*, there is nothing like a dame, and I cite in my defence Dame Edna Everage and Dame Danny LaRue.

Sixthly, there are plenty of women who could tell you all about my fancy-footwork and fiendish loving techniques, but as a discreet gentleman I'm not prepared to give away any identifying features except for those previously featured.

Now, stop your delving in my hinterland.

*Fourthly deleted as I was advised to exercise my Fifth Amendment rights in the America where my blog reaches unto.

Jenga The Giant

Giant jenga or tiny man?

Here's a clue: check-out the size of his helmet.

Clearing it up

Bragg/McColl Sexuality lash-up. Lyrics here.

Look, I think this needs clearing up after some allegations were smeared around me on Friday night and now seem to be making their way into common tittle-tattle.

I hereby do confirm for the record that I am strong and warm and wild and free.

That's all you need to know.

O come all ye faithful...

'Tis the season to be jolly!

Join me in doing your bit (or anyone else's bits for that matter) for the planet here.

Writhing in agony

The Lady Jojojojojo smiles on sympathetically

as the useless Spiv writhes.

No, of course I'm not.

I refer to news that has just reached me in my bare-skin, delivered by penguin post, of the Spiv Oestreicher having sustained an injury in his nether regions, resulting in a bad case of 'stroin grain'.

The report seeks to spread about widely and unto all, the pernicious rumour that he incurred said injury at the Lady Jojojojojo's instruction to make a better job of cutting the deadwood out of her tangled and dusty old undergrowth.

Despite his superhuman attempt to give her Ladyship satisfaction in the matter, it is reported she survived unscathed.

Meanwhile the Spiv is seeking to ameliorate the pain through heat treatment, sunning his overstretched and delicate parts in the newly-cleared garden.