Farmer Jon's British Wildlife Column for Kids 1

A guest posting today as we start British Wildlife Week, from Farmer Jon 'Buccaneer' Richards, that ol' Alabammy snake-oil salesman.

Hello, chillen! Hello!

Today we starts with Squirrels, or 'squirls' as we calls 'em on the farrrrm.



This 'un up above see, he's the reddun. A native squirl of these Isles and easily spotted cause as how you don't see manny of um these days. They's all been and gawn. I recalls as a lickle chillen seein them all at a-scamperin and a skippin through the trees and a gobblin theys nuts. Arrrr - grand old days. It used to be all fields raaand ere and ere about.

Now, kiddies, I know what your all a-thinking-of, cause old Uncle Jon can see right in your brain with his magic eye! The good eye, a-course.

Yous all be a-ponderin on why they is few of um nowabouts.

Here's the villain of the piece: that greyun.


Look close, now. See he's a darn sight bigger than the old reddun. And he's a squirl of another colour, that be grey and no mistake. 'E as driven ol reddun out. Aye, he been and done that orl right.

Now, what you do, you young 'uns, you get out there and ketch im, right? You ketch him good.

Then you kills him. Bash like. Bash or drahnin. Drahnin is a bit more fun like, but slower. I go for the bashin. It is your choice of killin, see?

Once bashed or drahned and dead, then you cooks it and eats it in a pie.

That's that gray 'un.

Now the reddun is different. He is as they grand folk say up Lunnon, 'protracted', so you can't go round no ways a-killin' these furry littl'uns like they greys. Oh, no.

You has got to ketch em and bring em in the shed. Where you can kill em pervided no-ones a-looking at cher. That's protacted, they are. They's tasty too.

Come the mornin' I'll tells you on the stoat. They's not protracted and is very good eating.

After you's done their brains in.

Nighty-night, you lickle 'uns. Don't let they bed-buggers bite!

And if they do, you can kill 'em an all.

Nighty-night!