Hallowe'en! Run for your lives!

Blonde rota

Part of my problem is a lack of time to fit in my laydee activities.

Thanks to this willing helper, I now have a rota.

This results in peace of mind, no unfortunate clashes, and a handy reference list.

Thank you, blonde laydee, whomeverso you may be.

Have you seen my little chap?

He's gone missing!

It's not like the last time what when he went walkabout on a laydee-targetting mission.

This is an important prototype dolly of me mixed up with a little Mozza, and can be recognised by the witty phrases that he spouts when pressure is applied to his tummy and thereabouts. These phrases will remind any laydee of the romantic loveliness that is me all over, viz.

"Not now, eh? It's Nazis in Colour on."

"I'll have a guess one."

"It'll have to wait - I'm buffing-up my Nightcrawler."

"Fruli."

"Give me a minute, I'm sure I'll find it down here somewhere."

"Oooops. Sorry. Bit over-eager."

and of course, the old favourite

"Hell-o-oh!"

There is of course a small reward for anyone who locates my little chap and returns it in good condition and washed.

It's getting to be the norm round here

Liberace - now there was a real entertainer.

Here he is, as re-imagined by Bobby Crushed, at an event that Twin of Evil 1 - the inflammatory Vladarina Gortona - went to last night instead of getting out with me to see the Morris Lad.

I'd have paid good money to have swapped. Bobby always turns up.

And let the look-ee-likee comments drop, will you?

Sick lad breaks sweat

So the malingering Mancunian actually managed to turn up, looking not an inch like he'd been on his death bed two days before.

I bet there was a bacon butty somewhere in that recovery plan.

Still still ill?

Apparently needing a couple of days off cause he was out of puff, I am reassured to hear that the Morris Boy might be up to getting off his arse and doing a full set at the Hall of Prince Albert tonight.

These lightweight popstars just don't have the stamina.

Look at Sir Shirley Bassley. Now there's a woman and a half and an enormous following.

And while I'm warming to this theme, look at what I saw up a wall at up my street, about another olde-time trouper.

Made a great straight man for dear old Hattie.

Double dutch

I have been sent a totally inexplicable video and about what it is all supposed to be I am embefuddled.



Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Basseytastic

I am being asked a lot of what all the fuss was about with the Sir Shirley Bassley performa-gig.

Watch and marvel.



Simply gorgeous, darlings!

Bassey Reaction Crazy Time Flip-Out

There is nothing like The Dame.

A Very Good Year?

1962 was jam-packed with stuff happening.

Just look at this list:

January
• January 1 – Western Samoa becomes independent from New Zealand.
• January 1 – The United States Navy SEALs are activated. SEAL Team One is commissioned in the Pacific Fleet and SEAL Team Two in the Atlantic Fleet.
• January 1 – The Beatles have their first and only audition for Decca Records (named The Decca audition).
• January 2 – NAACP Executive Secretary Roy Wilkins praises U.S. President John F. Kennedy's "personal role" in advancing civil rights.
• January 3 – Pope John XXIII excommunicates Fidel Castro.
• January 4 – New York City introduces a subway train that operates without a crew on board.
• January 5 – The Beatles' first record, "My Bonnie" with Tony Sheridan, is released by Polydor.
• January 8 – Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa is exhibited in the United States for the first time, at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C..
• January 8 – Harmelen train disaster: 93 die in the worst Dutch rail disaster.
• January 9 – Cuba and the Soviet Union sign a trade pact.
• January 10 – An avalanche on Nevado Huascarán in Peru causes 4,000 deaths.
• January 12 – The Indonesian Army confirms that it has begun operations in West Irian.
• January 13 – Albania allies itself with the People's Republic of China.
• January 15 – Portugal abandons the U.N. General Assembly due to the debate over Angola.
• January 16 – A military coup occurs in the Dominican Republic.
• January 19 – A counter-coup occurs in the Dominican Republic; the old government returns except for the new president Rafael Filiberto Bonnelly.
• January 22 – The Organization of American States suspends Cuba's membership.
• January 24 – The East German government readopts conscription.
• January 24 – The Organisation armée secrète (OAS) bombs the French Foreign Ministry.
• January 26 – Ranger 3 is launched to study the Moon; it later misses the Moon by 22,000 miles.
• January 27 – The Soviet government changes all place names honoring Molotov, Kaganovich and Georgi Malenkov.
• January 30 – Two of the high-wire "Flying Wallendas" are killed, when their famous 7-person pyramid collapses during a performance in Detroit, Michigan.

February
• February 3 – The United States embargo against Cuba is announced.
• February 4 – The Sunday Times becomes the first paper to print a colour supplement.
• February 4–5 – During a new moon and solar eclipse, an extremely rare grand conjunction of the classical planets occurs (it includes all 5 of the naked-eye planets plus the Sun and Moon), all of them within 16° of one another on the ecliptic.
• February 5 – French President Charles de Gaulle calls for Algeria to be granted independence.
• February 6 – Negotiations between U.S. Steel and the United States Department of Commerce begin.
• February 7 – The United States Government bans all U.S.-related Cuban imports and exports.
• February 7 – A coal mine explosion in Saarland, West Germany kills 299.
• February 9 – The Taiwan Stock Exchange Corporation opens.
• February 10 – Captured American spy pilot Francis Gary Powers is exchanged for captured Soviet spy Rudolf Abel in Berlin.
• February 12 – Six members of the Committee of 100 of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament are found guilty of a breach of the Official Secrets Act.
• February 14 – First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy takes television viewers on a tour of the White House.
• February 15 – Urho Kekkonen is re-elected president of Finland.
• February 16 – Heavy storms flood Germany's North Sea coast, mainly around Hamburg; more than 300 people die, thousands lose their homes.
• February 20 – Project Mercury: While aboard Friendship 7, John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit the Earth, three times in 4 hours, 55 minutes.
• February 23 – Twelve European countries form the European Space Agency.

March
• March 1 – An American Airlines Boeing 707 crashes on takeoff at New York International Airport, after its rudder separates from the tail, with the loss of all life on board.
• March 2 – A military coup in Burma brings General Ne Win to power.
• March 2 – Wilt Chamberlain scores 100 points in a single NBA basketball game.
• March 7 – Ash Wednesday Storm: A snow storm batters the Mid-Atlantic.
• March 8–12 – In Geneva, France and the Algerian FLN begin negotiations.
• March 15 – Katangan Prime Minister Moise Tshombe begins negotiations to rejoin the Congo.
• March 18 – Évian Accords: France and Algeria sign an agreement in Évian-les-Bains ending the Algerian War.
• March 18 – Un premier amour by Isabelle Aubret (music by Claude-Henri Vic, text by Roland Stephane Valade) wins the Eurovision Song Contest 1962 for France.
• March 19 – An armistice begins in Algeria; however, the OAS continues its terrorist attacks against Algerians.
• March 23 – The Scandinavian States of the Nordic Council sign the Helsinki Convention on Nordic Co-operation.
• March 24 – OAS leader Edmond Jouahud is arrested in Oran.
• March 26 – France shortens the term for military service from 26 months to 18.
• March 26 – Baker v. Carr: The U.S. Supreme Court rules that federal courts can order state legislatures to reapportion seats.

April
• April 3 – Jawaharlal Nehru is elected de facto Prime Minister of India.
• April 4 – James Hanratty is hanged in Bedford Gaol for the A6 murder; many believe he is innocent.
• April 6 – Belgium reestablishes diplomatic relations with the Congo.
• April 6 – Leonard Bernstein causes controversy with his remarks before a concert featuring Glenn Gould with the New York Philharmonic.
• April 7 – Author Milovan Djilas is arrested in Yugoslavia.
• April 8 – In France, the Évian Accords are adopted in a referendum with a majority of 90%.
• April 9 – The 34th Academy Awards ceremony is held; West Side Story wins Best Picture.
• April 10 – In Los Angeles, California, the first MLB game is played at Dodger Stadium.
• April 13 – OAS leader Edmond Jouhaud is sentenced to death in France.
• April 14 – A Cuban military tribunal convicts 1,179 Bay of Pigs attackers.
• April 18 – The Commonwealth Immigration Bill in the United Kingdom removes free immigration from the citizens of member states of the Commonwealth of Nations.
• April 20 – OAS leader Raoul Salan is arrested in Algiers.
• April 21 – The Century 21 Exposition World's Fair opens in Seattle, Washington.
• April 26 – The Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon.
May
• May – The Hulk debuts with The Incredible Hulk #1 by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.
• May 1 – Norwich City wins the English League Cup, beating Rochdale in the final.
• May 1 – Dayton Hudson Corporation opens the first of its Target discount stores in Roseville, Minnesota.
• May 2 – An OAS bomb explodes in Algeria – this and other attacks kill 110 and injure 147.
• May 3 – 160 die in a triple-train disaster near Tokyo.
• May 5 – Twelve East Germans escape via a tunnel under the Berlin Wall.
• May 6 – Antonio Segni is elected President of the Italian Republic.
• May 14 – Juan Carlos of Spain marries the Greek Princess Sophia in Athens.
• May 14 – Milovan Djilas, former vice-president of Yugoslavia, is given further sentence for publishing Conversations with Stalin.
• May 23 – Drilling for the new Montreal subway commences.
• May 23 – Raoul Salan, founder of the French terrorist Organisation armée secrète, is sentenced to life imprisonment in France.
• May 24 – Project Mercury: Scott Carpenter orbits the Earth 3 times in the Aurora 7 space capsule.
• May 25 – The new Coventry Cathedral is consecrated in London.
• May 29 – Negotiations between the OAS and the FLA lead to a real armistice in Algeria.
• May 30 – The 1962 FIFA World Cup begins in Chile.
June
• June 1 – Adolf Eichmann is hanged in Israel.
• June 3 – Air France charter flight Chateau de Sully, a Boeing 707, over-runs the runway at Orly Airport in Paris; 130 of 132 passengers are killed, 2 flight attendants survive. Most victims are cultural and civic leaders of Atlanta, Georgia.
• June 6 – President John F. Kennedy gives the commencement address at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York.
• June 11 – President John F. Kennedy gives the commencement address at Yale University.
• June 11 – Frank Morris, John Anglin and Clarence Anglin become the only apparently successful escapees from the Alcatraz Island prison. There is no conclusive evidence that they survived the attempt.
• June 15 – Students for a Democratic Society complete the Port Huron Statement.
• June 17 – The OAS signs a truce with the FLN in Algeria, but a day later announces that it will continue the fight on behalf of French Algerians.
• June 17 – Brazil beats Czechoslovakia 3–1 to win the 1962 FIFA World Cup.
• June 22 – An Air France Boeing 707 jet crashes into terrain during bad weather in Guadeloupe, West Indies, killing all 113 on board. It is the airline's second fatal accident in just 3 weeks, and the third fatal 707 crash of the year.
• June 25 – Engel v. Vitale: The United States Supreme Court rules that mandatory prayers in public schools are unconstitutional.
• June 25 – MANual Enterprises v. Day: The United States Supreme Court rules that photographs of nude men are not obscene, decriminalizing nude male pornographic magazines.
• June 26 – A 2-day steel strike begins in Italy, in support of increased wages and a 5-day working week.
• June 28 – The United Lutheran Church in America, Finnish Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, American Evangelical Lutheran Church, and Augustana Evangelical Lutheran Church merge to form the Lutheran Church in America.
• June 30 – The last soldiers of the French Foreign Legion leave Algeria.
July
• July 1 – Rwanda and Burundi gain independence.
• July 1 – Supporters of Algerian independence win 99% majority in a referendum.
• July 1 – A heavy smog develops over London.
• July 2 – Charles de Gaulle accepts Algerian independence; France recognizes it the next day.
• July 2 – The first Wal-Mart store opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas.
• July 5 – Algeria becomes independent from France.
• July 6 – Irish broadcaster Gay Byrne presents his first edition of The Late Late Show. Byrne goes on to present the talk show for 37 years, making it the longest running in the world.
• July 10 – AT&T's Telstar, the world's first commercial communications satellite, is launched into orbit, and activated the next day.
• July 12 – The Rolling Stones make their debut at London's Marquee Club, Number 165 Oxford Street, opening for Long John Baldry.
• July 13 – In what the press dubs the "the Night of the Long Knives", United Kingdom Prime Minister Harold Macmillan dismisses 1/3 of his Cabinet.
• July 17 – Nuclear testing: The "Small Boy" test shot Little Feller I becomes the last atmospheric test detonation at the Nevada Test Site.
• July 19 – The First Annual Swiss & Wielder Hoop and Stick Tournament is held.
• July 20 – France and Tunisia reestablish diplomatic relations.
• July 22 – Mariner program: The Mariner 1 spacecraft flies erratically several minutes after launch and has to be destroyed.
• July 23 – Telstar relays the first live trans-Atlantic television signal.
• July 28 – A locust swarm threatens New Delhi.
• July 31 – Algeria proclaims independence; Ahmed Ben Bella is the first President.
• July 31 – A crowd assaults the rally of Sir Oswald Mosley's right-wing Union Movement in London.
August
• August 4 – Marilyn Monroe accidentally overdoses on a mix of sedatives and Champagne a few hours before midnight.
• August 5 – The South African government arrests Nelson Mandela in Howick, and charges him with incitement to rebellion.
• August 6 – Jamaica becomes independent.
• August 15 – The New York Agreement is signed trading the West New Guinea colony to Indonesia.
• August 16 – Beatles drummer Pete Best is fired and replaced by Ringo Starr.
• August 16 – Algeria joins the Arab League.
• August 17 – East German border guards kill 18-year-old Peter Fechter, as he attempts to cross the Berlin Wall into West Berlin.
• August 10 – Marvel Comics publishes Amazing Fantasy #15, which features the superhero character of Spider-Man, created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko.
• August 22 – A failed assassination attempt is made against French President Charles De Gaulle.
• August 23 – John Lennon secretly marries Cynthia Powell.
• August 24 – A group of armed Cuban exile terrorists fire at a hotel in Havana from a speedboat.
• August 27 – NASA launches the Mariner 2 space probe.
• August 31 – Trinidad and Tobago becomes independent.
September
• September 1 – A referendum in Singapore supports the Malayan Federation.
• September 1 – Typhoon Wanda strikes Hong Kong, killing at least 130 and wounding more than 600.
• September 2 – The Soviet Union agrees to send arms to Cuba.
• September 8 – Newly independent Algeria, by referendum, adopts a constitution.
• September 12 – President John F. Kennedy, at a speech at Rice University, reaffirms that the U.S. will put a man on the moon by the end of the decade.
• September 21 – A border conflict between China and India erupts into fighting.
• September 21 – New Musical Express, a British music magazine, publishes a story about two 13-year-old schoolgirls, Sue and Mary, releasing a disc on Decca and adds "A Liverpool group, The Beatles, have recorded 'Love Me Do' for Parlophone Records, set for October 5 release."
• September 25 – Sonny Liston and Floyd Patterson fight for the boxing world title.
• September 26 – Civil war erupts in Yemen.
• September 27 – A flash flood in Barcelona, Spain, kills more than 440.
• September 27 – Rachel Carson's book Silent Spring is released, giving rise to the modern environmentalist movement.
• September 28 – Prime Minister Ahmed Ben Bella founds the first government in Algeria.
• September 29 – The Canadian Alouette 1, the first satellite built outside the United States and the Soviet Union, is launched from Vandenberg AFB in California.
• September 30 – CBS broadcasts the final episodes of Suspense and Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar, marking the end of the Golden Age of Radio.
October
• October 1 – The first black student, James Meredith, registers at the University of Mississippi, escorted by Federal Marshals.
• October 1 – Johnny Carson takes over as permanent host of NBC's Tonight Show, a post he would hold for 30 years.
• October 5 – The French National Assembly censures the proposed referendum to sanction presidential elections by popular mandate; Prime Minister Georges Pompidou resigns, but President de Gaulle asks him to stay in office.
• October 5 – Dr. No, the first James Bond film, premieres in UK theaters.
• October 5 – The Beatles release their first single for EMI, Love Me Do.
• October 8 – The German magazine Der Spiegel publishes an article about the Bundeswehr's poor preparedness; the Spiegel scandal erupts.
• October 8 – Algeria is accepted into the United Nations.
• October 9 – Uganda becomes independent within the Commonwealth of Nations.
• October 10 – The Sino-Indian War, a border dispute involving two of the world's largest nations (India and the People's Republic of China), begins.
• October 10 – Der Spiegel publishes an article on a NATO exercise criticizing the weakness of the West German army.
• October 11 – Second Vatican Council: Pope John XXIII convenes the first ecumenical council of the Roman Catholic Church in 92 years.
• October 12 – The infamous Columbus Day Storm strikes the U.S. Pacific Northwest with wind gusts up to 170 mph (270 km/h); 46 are killed, 11 billion board feet (26 million m³) of timber is blown down, with $230 million U.S. in damages.
• October 12 – Jazz bassist/composer Charles Mingus presents a disastrous concert at Town Hall in New York City. It will gain a reputation as the worst moment of his career.
• October 13 – Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? opens on Broadway.
• October 14 – Cuban Missile Crisis begins: A U-2 flight over Cuba takes photos of Soviet nuclear weapons being installed. A stand-off then ensues the next day between the United States and the Soviet Union, threatening the world with nuclear war.
• October 22 – In a televised address, U.S. President John F. Kennedy announces to the nation the existence of Soviet missiles in Cuba.
• October 26 – Spiegel scandal: German police occupy Der Spiegel offices in Hamburg.
• October 28 – Cuban Missile Crisis: Soviet Union leader Nikita Khrushchev announces that he has ordered the removal of Soviet missile bases in Cuba. In a secret deal between Kennedy and Khrushchev Kennedy agrees to the withdrawal of U.S. missiles from Turkey. The fact that this deal is not made public makes it look like the Soviets have backed down.
• October 28 – A referendum in France favours the election of the president by universal suffrage.
• October 31 – The UN General Assembly asks the United Kingdom to suspend enforcement of the new constitution in Southern Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), but the constitution comes into effect on November 1.
November
• November 1 – The Soviets begin dismantling their missiles in Cuba.
• November 1 – The first issue of Diabolik is published in Italy.
• November 3 – The term "personal computer" is first mentioned by the media.
• November 5 – Franz Josef Strauß, the West German defence minister, is relieved of his duties over the Spiegel scandal, due to his alleged involvement in police action against the magazine.
• November 5 – Saudi Arabia breaks off diplomatic relations with Egypt, following a period of unrest partly caused by the defection of several Saudi princes to Egypt.
• November 5 – A coal mining disaster in Ny-Ålesund kills 21 people. The Norwegian government is forced to resign in the aftermath of this accident in August, 1963.
• November 6 – Apartheid: The United Nations General Assembly passes a resolution condemning South Africa's racist apartheid policies, and calls for all UN member states to cease military and economic relations with the nation.
• November 7 – Richard M. Nixon loses the California governor's race. In his concession speech, he states that this is his "last press conference" and that "you won't have Dick Nixon to kick around any more".
• November 17 – In Washington, D.C., U.S. President John F. Kennedy dedicates Dulles International Airport.
• November 20 – The Cuban Missile Crisis ends: In response to the Soviet Union agreeing to remove its missiles from Cuba, U.S. President John F. Kennedy ends the quarantine of the Caribbean nation.
• November 23 – United Airlines Flight 297 crashes, killing all 17 on board.
• November 26 – Spiegel scandal: German police end their occupation of Der Spiegel's offices.
• November 26 – Mies Bouwman starts presenting the first live TV-marathon fundraising show (Open Het Dorp), which lasts 23 hours non-stop.
• November 27 – French President Charles De Gaulle orders Georges Pompidou to form a government.
• November 29 – An agreement is signed between Britain and France to develop the Concorde supersonic airliner.
• November 30 – The United Nations General Assembly elects U Thant of Burma as the new UN Secretary-General.
December
• December 2 – Vietnam War: After a trip to Vietnam at the request of U.S. President John F. Kennedy, U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mike Mansfield becomes the first American official to make a non-optimistic public comment on the war's progress.
• December 7 – Rainier III, Prince of Monaco revises the principality's constitution, devolving some of his formerly autocratic power to several advisory and legislative councils.
• December 8 – The first period of the Second Vatican Council closes.
• December 8 – The North Kalimantan National Army revolts in Brunei, in the first stirrings of the Indonesian Confrontation.
• December 8 – The 1962 New York City newspaper strike begins, affecting all of the city's major newspapers; It would last for 114 days.
• December 9 – Tanganyika (now Tanzania) becomes a republic within the Commonwealth, with Julius Nyerere as president.
• December 10 – David Lean's epic film Lawrence of Arabia, featuring Peter O' Toole, Omar Sharif, Alec Guinness, Jack Hawkins, and Anthony Quinn premieres in London.
• December 11 – In West Germany, a coalition government of Christian Democrats, Christian Socialists, and Free Democrats is formed.
• December 11 – The last execution by hanging takes place in Canada.
• December 14 – U.S. spacecraft Mariner 2 flies by Venus, becoming the first probe to successfully transmit data from another planet.
• December 19 – Britain acknowledges the right of Nyasaland (now Malawi) to secede from the Central African Federation.
• December 22 – "Big Freeze" in Britain: There are no frost-free nights until March 5, 1963.
• December 24 – Cuba releases the last 1,113 participants in the Bay of Pigs Invasion to the U.S., in exchange for food worth $53 million.
• December 30 – United Nations troops occupy the last rebel positions in Katanga; Moise Tshombe moves to South Rhodesia.
• December 30 – An unexpected storm buries Maine under five feet of snow, forcing the Bangor Daily News to miss a publication date for the first and only time in history.

But I keep feeling there's something missing.

What can it be?

Answers to the usual address, Comrades.

Welcome bick for Tony the Typo

Lest we froget.

Subject: Out of Office AutoReply: USSSC meeting - minutes of 7.10.09
I am out of the office at the SNC seminar in Croude Bay.I'll be back in the office on Friday 23 Ocober.

I wasn't sure if he woloud be back toady, as I am still havegn troyble fnding Ocober on me dairy.

Hooweevr, can I be the frist to weclome back Mr. Tiny Brawsbo after hsi extinded stay in Croude Bay.

Where exackly shit is I jist don't no, but hey- if it's got a good high-fashone weskit shop then it can't be all bod.

UPDATE: Three hours since posting and no pithy comment from Braisers? Slow spell-check do you think?

Smartarse impendingness

It's on! The biggest televisualist event ever again since they put that bloke on a moon that time.

The battle of wits between myself and the Smartarses goes live on your own box on Wednesday 4th November 2009 at 6pm on the BBC Number 2 Channel 2.

Don't miss it.

To ensure you get a ticket, simply send me £5 for every member of your family who will be tuned up to the watching of it.

An evening with Professor Yaffle

Probably on drugs.

This night today I am off for an evening with an orchestra playing that stuff off the kids programmes of Wooden Pogles, Nog-Nog-Noggy-Noggin, Baggypus, and Clanger.

I am informed this will be little short of miraculous by someone I don't trust an inch and am looking forward to it like the proverbial plate of peas.

However, always one to maintain an opening mind, I hereby declare it to be an event already.

Tomorrow night it'll be much more to my taste, commingling with the lads at the last-ever "a-gig" this week of the Tiger Bay Note-Throttling Termagant, Sir Shirley Bassley.

I can't help it if I'm renowned for my generosity and known about Club Derrig as "Big Spendthrift".

Weird food alert VII

Chicken you can do it with.

Welsh sex symbol sale

I have been asked to use my own column to provoke the sale of two tickets to see the famous 'Tim Jones' of Henry Fielding fame.

Essentially it is, of course, all filthiness and looseness.

I don't quite know what 'face value' might be, as £50.85 seems a mighty odd sum for a ticket's face. Clearly it cannot relate to the value of the face of Tom Jones, who has had significantly more spent upon it, although to little positive effect apart from that expression known as 'taut'.

However, I am delighted to assist Steven Blloomfielld with his touting, as he is the closest thing I've ever come across to a Welsh sex symbol.

Except for that Ruth Madoc.

And Richard Burton, of course.

Or Ruth Madoc.

Or Philip Madoc.

And her off of Torchwood. No, can't forget her.

Then there's the rabbit in that Caramel advert. Very much like Ruth Madoc.

And, of course, not forgetting Ruth Madoc.

Hi-de-hi!

Another one of those CRAFT moments

Shaking, not stirring

Take a splash of

Add a liberal helping of

And what do you get?


Yes, it's Cap'n Jon Squirrel-Choker, out on a bender.

Campaign news

It's a campaign I can support with all my heart.

Providing of course it doesn't knock the Club Derrig profits.

Jools' Secret Unveiled

I am often frequently asked unto of what keeps Jools "Me? Here? When? A Pox On Your Milk Delivery!" Hallam in such fine fettle.

For something her age, I must admit she does seem to posess a sparkle that one would usually only be able to attribute to such things as performing yoga-type exercises in hot and sulphurous mud baths while chanting in some mysterious and untransalatable tongue.

Which, of course, she does do, but to no effect.

Perhaps it is the application of essential oiliness to herself, bathed in occult candlelight, while a manservant whose tongue has been cut out (so he is unable to talk of the intolerably-cruel vision he must cruelly tolerate) stands mournfully-by twanging on his zither PURELY FOR HER ENTERTAINMENT?

It has also been put to me on several occasions, but now is not the time or the place for such a diversion.

Or - as some have said but I am sworn not to repeat - a life of licentious mingling with the ne'er-do-well scum that are forbidden entry to Club Derrig for fear they will pollute that fine establishment's atmosphere with proper conversation and the manners of gentlefolk?

But all that speculation (although it will continue unabated) can end now.

Her secret is out.

Pope Comes Too Soon

I am in the fortunate position of being privy to the upper and dankly-cavernous echelons of the Catholic "Church"TM and am delighted to reveal some news of earth-moving proportionality.

In a stunning u-roundabout-turn-up Papa Topogigio XIVIIIIVIIIVXMI has flown in secretly to start blessing the populace well before they even knew about it or wanted it.

Dressed in penitent's robes and an old jumper, Il Duce has been wandering the streets of the UK in a cognito, leaping out of shop doorways and spilling his sacraments on passers-by before they even knew he had come upon them.

"I've made fourteen conversions this morning," he said, "Ars Gloria Artis."

Meanwhile, local Police are reportedly looking for a man with a napkin on his head.