Thursday 30 April 2009

Approbation/opprobrium mix-up Cymru style

It's always nice to be appreciated.

After all, a whole campaign built around my presence does rather rely on my good grace and participation.

I think yesterday's efforts will live forever in the hearts and minds of those who were there to witness my preening display of activities for the greater good.

A proper appreciation of my doings is therefore, I think, only right and proper.

Which a carton of coffee, mints, a packet of starburst and a sandwich come nowhere near being.

Indeed, until someone comes up with a framed certificate and medal of commensurate value at least to this ludicrous and tawdry attempt at recompense, I will not set foot again in that benighted principality.

I'm giving fair warning - it's their lookout!

Drudge report

Yes, it's me.

Here you see me reduced to having to demonstrate to the bunch of incompetent drongoes I have been forced to share accommodation with on my foray into Cymru just how to ablute properly when one has sticky fingers in the early hours of the morning. Or in case of Pig Cold.

Wednesday 29 April 2009

Can I get you fries with that?


Ah, Cymru! Where men are men and the women go round in pairs in protective clothing...

Tuesday 28 April 2009

Hero, too?


Following a special appeal and lots of moaning about how he had done so well the previous week as someone who helped out with the chairs, I have - with sore misgivings - agreed to grant Beattie a hero accolade as well.

I can only hope this ends his miserable pleadings and whining-on.

Tomorrow: More Exciting Diffuser News!

Monday 27 April 2009

Hero


Having not doubted for one moment his ability to get up to race-fitness, can I just laugh in the faces of all those who mocked my boy's severe training schedule.

More important though was his unwavering commitment to a punishing dietary regime.

Mangers and Marlboros - the fuel of champions!

Friday 24 April 2009

Every conference centre needs one!


Why not splash out on this year's Club Derrig Essentials offer, the Oestreicher Rescue Hamper?

It's just what's needed in those urgent situations when the emergency services are not quite up to doing the job.

Includes boasters biscuits.

Tuesday 21 April 2009

Ahem...

As is the case on often-time occasions, someone handed the wrong end of the stick for me to pick up as regarding the post of yesterday.

I am now informed the "Peezy" that our team Derrig colleague was so enthused about is in actuality an item for assisting laydeez "downstairs".

And I'm not talking about a Stannah Stair Lift.

Below you can follow the incredible progress as the device moves on from crazy contraption idea into a fully-fledged, useable, portable, and convenient device which can slip easily into any laydeez handbag.

Initial prototype


Peezy Beta



Abandoned expensive version.



Final product, as endorsed by Ms J.




And here you can see this magnificent device in action.

Monday 20 April 2009

Down with the kidz


Sensational-thing.

I have been led to believe that there is nothing more important for those wishing to achieve high public office than that they "reach out" to disaffected yoot' and show they know how to get down with the kidz.

I am pleased therefore to note that Club Derrig's highly-esteemed prospective parliamentary candidate is taking this road and has chosen to demonstrate her young outlook by media promotion of a talking-over-music-created-and-played-by-someone-else-because-he-can't-sing-a-note-or-play-an-instrument-sensation (or 'rap star') Mr.Peazy.

Well done, Ms J!

Friday 17 April 2009

A Shocking Confession



Yes, mea culpa!

It was me!

I am the guilty one!

- STEALING shedloads of crisps!

- SEALING them in large plastic bags to stop them being dustied-up!

- CONCEALING them beneath the floorboards of my then abode.

All done and gone about in a carefully-thought-through masterminding of crim-type activity.

You've got me bang-to-rights, officer!

I'll come quietly!


No, of course not.

You know that I'm honest as the day.

But the real culprit had better start telling people I can ride a bike and swim or the truth will out and I will confess him up to the wrong arm of the law.

Thursday 16 April 2009

Tender memories

The dream*

It was a hot afternoon,
Last day of June,
And the sun was a demon,
The clouds were afraid,
One-ten in the shade,
And the pavement was steaming.
I told Billy-Ray,
In his red Chevrolet,
I needed time for some thinking,
I was just walking by,
When I looked in her eye,
And I swore it was winking.

She was 31 and I was 17,
I knew nothing about love, she knew everything,
When I sat down beside her on the front porch swing,
And wondered what the coming night would bring.

The sun closed her eyes,
As it climbed in the sky,
And it started to swelter,
The sweat trickled down the front of her gown,
And I thought it would melt her.

She through back her hair,
Like I wasn't there,
And she sipped on a julep,
Her shoulders were bare,
And I tried not to stare,
When I looked at her two lips.

And when she looked at me,
I heard her softly say,
I know you're young,
You don't know what to do or say,
But stay with me until the sun has gone away,
And I will chase the boy in you away.

And then she smiled and we talked for a while,
And we walked for a mile to the sea,
We sat on the sand, and the boy took her hand,
But I saw the sun rise as a man.

Ten years have gone by,
Since I looked in her eye,
But the memory lingers,
I got back in my mind,
To the very first time,
And feel the touch of her fingers,

It was a hot afternoon,
Last day of June,
And the sun was a demon,
The clouds were afraid,
One-ten in the shade,
And the pavement was steaming...


Well, it gives me something to ponder over if I wake up a bit early and have a loose end.


*The reality


Thursday 9 April 2009

Enough, already!

Apparently Hitler had one of these.


YES I DID BLOOMIN' SEE THE REPORT IN THE PAPER THE OTHER DAY ABOUT THE 'COLIN' FISH THING.

Those of you with any brains will recall I dealt with this matter some time back. Although the French as you will remember call hake 'Colin' and not pollock.

Of course, what it does go to prove is that anything can be made more palatable and popular simply by changing its name to Colin.

Which explains why I am top notch as that's how I started off in life.

Tuesday 7 April 2009

Poetry Bit


There's nothing I like much better
Than lovely laydeez that I can see
Unless it is two lovely laydeez
In raiment of high-visibilitee.

Not only does it make them shine
It suits their complexions allright
But the biggest advantage, to me at least,
Is I can find them in the night.

Poetry, eh? Nothing like it for the old romantic wooing-up of the less masculine gender.

Friday 3 April 2009

F1 Uproarity Cheatingery



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April Fools Day 3

....and B is for Berk?

Yes, it's Dave 'Johnson' Johnson! And as you might imagine, not only does he have to have the biggest pole at this event, he also has to have the first letter of the alphabet.

Still, 4.2 miles at 40p a mile...mustn't grumble.

Thursday 2 April 2009

April Fools Day 2

This is a sport.

Wednesday 1 April 2009

April Fools Day

Amazing, eh?

Now, follow the instructions and learn something to your advantage.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

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Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Stare at the above for twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for ten, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two, stare for another twenty seconds, look away for two.

Repetitive Strain Injury - not so funny now, is it?