Il Duce is coming!

Can I be among the very firstmostly to wish His Holiandtheivyness, "El Papa" an enjoyable visit to here when he does come to here. He would be welcome up my Club anytime, subject to adhering to our dress code, of course.

Unlike the previous one, I believe this new one prefers to move mysteriously incognito amongst us, hence the facial coverage he hath displayeth as above.

I, for one alone, do hereunto salute this measure as a way of a-mingling with the commoner man, of which there are plenty. In this way he can, like Henry V (in the role of Henry V in the play of the same name Henry V, but pretending not to be Henry V) in the famous bit where he listened in on his army men's nocturnal emissions to see what they really thought of him, find out what passes for sin these days.

If he doth hear what I expect of him to, we might well see a lifting of the current prohibitions on the wheel, fire, and pre-marital mucking about.

Which would, on balance, be a good thing.

I approve of his strategy, unlike the previous one who spent all his time spying on us until he had his binoculars nicked.

And Another One And Another

Click on the picture for a better look up me.

Yes, that's me up on the plinth for art's sake.

No ladies, no worshipping, please. Just leave your contact details and a recent photograph with the scurity chaps and I'll get back to you.

I am backing in total O'Gorblimey's massive project "And Another Thing" to stick celebrities in your face via the medium of art with myself up there in a fully exposed position, along with my file of interesting facts about me to read out when I get bit jacked up with the boringness of it all.

But I think the medium of artfulness is an important way of getting my message across.

Even if the message is as bone-headedly simple as 'look at me'!

Slapknot unmasked

Slapknot, the world's Number One made-up band that make Kiss look like a bunch of gladioli, are known for their gut-splashing antics on stage and their ability to shockerate even the most dead-eyed consumers of total gore smash horrorfulness in their music.

(Yes , I'm looking at you as I write this, Beattie, draped as you are over the chaise longue in your quilted smoking jacket, speedos, and pirate boots.)

Of course, we all know that those terrifying Slapknot chaps have got mums and don't look like that at home.

But what do they really look like out of their creepy costumes and with the pancake off their mushes?

Well, at last it can be revealed, thanks to a candid snap of them at an after-show private party.



Queasy-making or what?

Not at all what you may think

Lads mucking about on holiday together.

It seems that innocence is dead.

Once upon a time it was absolutely usual to go on a holiday to abroad with your closest and best friend. It was about male bondage. Nowt wrong with that, eh Cap'n Richards?

But these days, this practice is frowned upon from the deepest heights and all kinds of slurrings are hurled at those enjoying such quality continental-time together.

And heavens forfend that one share a room with your great lad mate, even if you might end up disturbing one another with nocturnal oral emissions and suchlike.

So it is with great sadness that while I even have to "confess" to indulging in said practices, it is with greater regret that I must also admit to "mucking about" with the other lad.

And he didn't complain at the time. Not one word.

Robotwatch XI

Says it all really, doesn't it?

Do they really think these metal merchants of death will only be dealing out hot lead to our enemies?

How long before it's all friendly fire and fragging?

Have the powers that do be not seen the warning as set out in that great documentary "The Teminator Parts 1 - 3" (the 4th one was demented rubbish and totally unbelievable)?

And we can't blame the French for it this time!

Amazing Iceland! 4

The face of Iceland?

Or?

What an amazing country!

Amazing Iceland! 3

Quite simply, over-amazing!

Amazing Iceland! 2

More amazing!

Writhing in agony

The Lady Jojojojojo smiles on sympathetically

as the useless Spiv writhes.

No, of course I'm not.

I refer to news that has just reached me in my bare-skin, delivered by penguin post, of the Spiv Oestreicher having sustained an injury in his nether regions, resulting in a bad case of 'stroin grain'.

The report seeks to spread about widely and unto all, the pernicious rumour that he incurred said injury at the Lady Jojojojojo's instruction to make a better job of cutting the deadwood out of her tangled and dusty old undergrowth.

Despite his superhuman attempt to give her Ladyship satisfaction in the matter, it is reported she survived unscathed.

Meanwhile the Spiv is seeking to ameliorate the pain through heat treatment, sunning his overstretched and delicate parts in the newly-cleared garden.

Amazing Iceland! 1

Amazing!

To Iceland!

Yes, dear readers, you read it a-right. I am "en Iceland" as the locals have it.

I have exiled myself and the swarthy Beattie for a week in this arctic hell-hole purely on the basis that I am informed that here we can find ourselves a few handsomely-gushing geezers.

Personally, I'm especially looking forward to being dappled by some "Midnight Son".

But it won't all be fun and games, no not much indeedy-so. We'll also be setting out on an expedition or two, including one to a glazier who, from what is being spread about by the populus, is receding.

Watch out for my Amazing Iceland! bulletins over the next few days and some therefater.

And if there's anything you might want me to bring back, drop me a line at the usual address.

Derrig Parade 8 - Snug-fitting