At the double

And don't forget a meal beforehand...

A lot of people ask me: what the hell is that on your head?

Many others ask me about my magnificent hit-rate with the opposite of the man of the species - to wit, the laydeez of the species of us.

It's no big secret, but you need to think of your technique as being like a blunderbuss - let one off in a crowded shopping centre and one of your victims is bound to be of a laydee.

But there are also a number of other easy-peasy lemon-squeezy ways of bagging one for yourself and having at your establishment in front of a rug on a fire.

For one simple example of it, take an instance: speed mating. It's a fine art, but you basically rush into a room like you are bringing the news from Ghent to Aix, or the other way round, and engage in word-based communication with a ripe 'un.

Of course, it's not always that easy to communicate at a laydee, especially a strange one, of which there are many of them out there waiting for you to be ensnared up their webs.

So here are my top opening lines, guaranteed to intrigue 'em and give the impression you are top speed mating material. And remember, in speed mating, you've only got two minutes to get your point across. So to speak.

Thusly:

"Interesting fact! The spoiler on a Austin Fandango Mark 3 is set at 23.5 degrees."

"Listen!"

"No, you go first. Make it quick though, I've got a lot of you to get through."

"Christ on a bike, who did your surgery?"

And the never-fail 'desperate-man-in-a-hurry' option:

"Would you like half my house and my pension?"

I can guarantee* you'll bag a brace with those lines.

*worthless