St. Valentine's Day Masssacree

A number of laydeez have been in touch in a state of mystification to ask why I, Derrig, have not blogged on their St.Valentine's Day missives to myself, i.e. I, Derrig (again).

Well, of course as any damn fule kno, the traditional epistle, card or whatnot is sent in a cognito, similar to the Lone Ranger and unbeknownst to its arriver-at-intended-for one person of the sender of thereof.

Of course, it didn't help me being out of the country on the day in question on a colleen-hunt in EireLand. However, on arrival back at Derrig Towers, it was hugely gratifying to discover I was required to hire a digger to make my way through the drifts of correspondence that blocked my front passage.

Since that time I have had a cracked team of graphologists and a handwriting expert on the case to decipher the childish scrawls most of my admirers appear to use to disguise their identities. I can now release the results and my responses to the various offers on offer that were offered to me.

Twin of Evil 1 - This is ridiculous! I don't even have a lollipop.

Twin of Evil A - Sorry, I am allergic to rhubarb.

Jools - Now, now, you know my golden rule.

Tallulah - I don't know where you left it either. Try the drawer under the sink.

Red Snapper - I pose for no-one, especially in soggy knitted underwear.

Lady JoJoJo - I think you'll find St.Valentine's Day is a fixed date and cannot be shifted to accommodate your whims alone.

"Mr.Benjamin Thomas" - I don't know what the phrase "get your round in" means, but it sounds unspeakably vile to me.

BossLady - Yes, of course, Ma'am. Whatsoever your whim doth requireth.

If your name does not appear on the above list, fear not! You are among the lucky 107 to whom I have responded of what already with a leaflet detailing the advantages and price list for my "I, Derrig Heavenly-Ecstasy Body Rub And Parts-Handling" service*. Extras available. No reasonable request refused.

I now await the 29th February with some trepidation as it is the day on which anyone, regardless of genderification, can ask you up the aisle. To coin a phrase, never will so many have so much turned down by yours truly.

*Subject to withdrawal without notice at any time.