Alternative Queen's Seasonal Message

At last - it's what you've all been waiting for!

Alternative Queen's Seasonal Message - Still 3

Alternative Queen's Seasonal Message - Still 2

Alternative Queen's Seasonal Message - Still 1

Seasonal message: a special announcement

Festive Holly

Dear reader, as you will already know it is a custom going back to the dark ages of blogging that I do hereunto produce a well-regarded and highly-respected message for my adoring fan and you about the yuletide what is about to wash us all over.

It will come as no surprise therefore that this year I have listened to you lot and regretfully have to inform you that having giving careful thought to all your many requests and demands to do otherwise, I am pressing ahead as usual.

For what is a man? What has he got? If not himself, then he has naught.

But to encourage you to partake in the visual feast heading your way my-blog-wise on the great day of itself 25 December, Christmas (and give you a reason to escape the unwanted, nay, chilling embrace of your family and 'loved ones' for a brief moment of respite from all that creepy "jollity" gruesomeness and settle down in front of your PC - or for those with creative pretensions "Mack" - with a nice drop of the cockle-warming hard stuff [but not on a works computer, Beattie] before visiting me here at the blog) I will be publishing a few exclusive stills from my seasonal film over the next few hours.

So, do remember to tune in on Christmas Day for my alternative Queen's Speech.

Beattie mouths off, encore

Following his moment d'success wowing a yankee audience with his articulations it seems that Beattie has been freelancing it as a public speaker, regaling anyone who cares to stop and listen to his Fidel-length perorations.

Of course, he picked up all he needed to know from the master of oratory myself.

Here he is, up Kent, a-nattering and a-chattering in the local lingo about whatever comes to mind in a random tumble of subjects and modes of expression, yet still holding them spellbounded.

Fortunately for all, this particular talkathon was recorded for posterity by that fine organ The Kent Infector, so let us relive Beattie's grand words again.

(Coughs.) My fellow Kentuckians, It gives me great pleasure, and always has done.

So I want you to know how much of a privilege it is for you to be standing around listening to me at this momentous time.

I came in a big metal tube on wheels from across the river to view your big concrete teepees and drink your beer, which - frankly - is pish.

But you didn't beg me to come here as a last-minute replacement for the two other people who couldn't be arsed to come but you'd have preferred. I am told.

So let's get down to business and the what I am here about.

Χασμουρητό είναι ένα από τα πιο κάτω-εκτίμησα συμπεριφορές. Είναι μια στερεότυπη και συχνά επαναλαμβανόμενα πράξη κινητήρα, που χαρακτηρίζεται από ανοιχτό το στόμα συνοδεύεται από μια μεγάλη έμπνευση, μια σύντομη ακμή που ακολουθείται από μια σύντομη λήξη. Το σθένος της πράξης μπορεί να αυξήσει τη διέγερση.

Αν και κοινωνικά προσβλητικό για πολλούς, χασμουρητά φέρνουν συχνά την ευχαρίστηση να το χασμώμενος. Ενώ επηρεάζεται από διάφορους νευροδιαβιβαστές, χασμουρητό επηρεάζεται έντονα από την ντοπαμίνη.

Η ντοπαμίνη ενεργοποιεί την παραγωγή οξυτοκίνης στον paraventricular πυρήνα του υποθαλάμου, η οξυτοκίνη μπορεί να ενεργοποιήσει τότε χολινεργική νευροδιαβίβαση στον ιππόκαμπο και το δικτυωτό σχηματισμό του εγκεφαλικού στελέχους. Acethylcholine προκαλεί χασμουρητό μέσω του μουσκαρινικούς υποδοχείς της επενεργητές. Άλλοι νευροδιαβιβαστές μπορούν να διαμορφώσουν την εμφάνισή του, όπως η σεροτονίνη, νευροπεπτιδίων, υποκρετίνης και σεξουαλικών ορμονών.

Η μείωση των χασμουρητό στους ηλικιωμένους προτείνει μια σχετική μείωση της ντοπαμινεργικής δραστηριότητας. Χασμουρητό και τέντωμα έχουν σχέση φυλογενετικής παλιές ρίζες. Ηθολόγοι συμφωνούν ότι τα περισσότερα σπονδυλωτά χασμουρητό. Χασμουρητό είναι μορφολογικά παρόμοια στα πτηνά ερπετά,, τα θηλαστικά και τα ψάρια. Μπορούν να είναι προγονική απομεινάρια επιβιώνουν σε όλη εξέλιξη με μικρή διακύμανση.

Στο ανθρώπινο έμβρυο, χασμουρητό συμβαίνει ήδη από το 12 εβδομάδες μετά τη σύλληψη και παραμένει σχετικά αμετάβλητη καθ 'όλη τη ζωή. Σε όλη την διάρκεια ζωής, ύπνο, υποβάλλεται σε αρκετά σχετίζονται με την ηλικία αλλαγές. Διατριβές αλλαγές αφορούν τη διάρκεια του ύπνου και το ποσό των REM και NREM ύπνου.

Μπορούμε να περιγράψει, κατά τη διάρκεια του ύπνου REM, μία καμπυλόγραμμη πορεία με μια απότομη πλαγιά κατεβαίνει στο τελευταίο χρόνο της ζωής έμβρυο και το πρώτο έτος της ζωής, ένα επίπεδο οροπέδιο σε όλη την παιδική ηλικία και την ενήλικη ζωή, σιγά-σιγά τη μείωση μέχρι την ηλικία. Μια παράλληλη καμπύλη δείχνει την ομοιότητα της εξέλιξης της συχνότητας χασμουρητό και την ποσότητα του ύπνου REM.

Έτσι, από ontogeny, φυλογένεση και αυτή η προσέγγιση μοντελοποίησης αναδύεται μια βασική σύνδεση μεταξύ χασμουρητό και τον ύπνο REM. Χασμουρητό είναι τροποποιήσεις σε ορισμένες παθολογικές καταστάσεις που σχετίζονται με τη γήρανση.

Thank you, and please make donations in the hat being passed around.

Found dignity at the disco

(Apologies for the dreadfully poor quality of this. Neither has been to proper dancing lessons.)

Lost dignity at the disco

On the day after the disco my true love left for me:

Twelve laydeez handbags,
Eleven lighters (broken),
Ten Benson and Hedges,
Nine spare Christmas cards,
Eight mobile phones
Seven undrunken Advocaats,
Six stale mince pies
Five pairs of shoes
Four cheap old scarves
Three tasteless bracelets
Two old pairs of tights
And a skirt which can all be claimed from se-cur-i-teeeee.

Secret satan - another big let-down

I didn't think things could sink any lower than the rag-bag of gifts touted round in the All-New Club DerrigTM secretive Satan team-dismantling exercise that we endured last year.

How wrong I was, with only the Genius Amanuensis getting something he wanted this year, and the rest of us putting up with the bleak gleanings of yuletide market-stall knock-off bargains and mystery objets d'mart.

Perhaps the real low-lights though were the upper-lip-hair-enhancing kit won by Shazza:

And the gift to end all gifts, an unfinished sock, won by someone who used to work in Team Derrig, whose name escapes me, but whose foot is unmistakeable, having had it on my neck a fair few times:
Here's hoping that next year sees a massive upshifting quality-wise, and that a second sock at least is forthcoming.

Auf wiedersehen, darlink

Farewell, Brunhilde, one of the foxiest of all the Laydeez up the All-New Club DerrigTM. (I'm sorry I could only find a picture from the 1970's.)

Big job

Tonight I have a very special set of duties protecting one of the most influential and giant figures of our era.

It'll be a case of:

SYNCHRONISE WATCHES!

CHECK HEAD-SET RECEPTION AND SEND!

SUNGLASSES ON!

ALERT STATUS SET TO 'MASSIVELY SO'!

LOCATE AND SECURE ALL MEANS OF ACCESS AND EGRESS!

STAND BEHIND THE GREAT MAN LOOKING DAMNED SERIOUS!

I have to say I didn't realise quite how much care had to be taken with such personages, especially out in the public arena of the likes of the All-New Club DerrigTM.

But, the riskiness to one of 'The Big Names' of all-time has to be assessed and dealt with.

After all, what a blow it would be if Mr.Jackson's many fans and admirers were we no longer able to enjoy again his delivery of such inspiring words as:



Or even



Don't worry, Joe, I've 'got your back up' as they say in the service.

Full of yuletide joy

Yes, 'tis the season of stuff is upon us all.

Let's kick off the start of the beginning of the celebrations with the song I've requested at the Derrig Towers 'Chill-Out Xmas Disco'.

Preparez vos mouchoirs, it'll bring a tear to your eye.

Two birds, one stone

So you come up with a better headline, then.

Miracle hair restorer formula part 2

I recommend to you lot EmbonpointeTM the luscious locks liquid for lush laydeez and laydee lushez.

Two out of three women pictured expressed to me their deeply-hirsute satisfaction, while the third said she was looking forward to enjoying an impressive length over the Xmas period.

Miracle hair restorer formula

Simply apply one bottle of Havana Club rum internally.

Who will rid me of this turbulent priestess?

Madame Fiendish and her devil eyes

You know me, I expect.

I'm no stranger to hard work.

I've often stopped to admire it.

I've even shouted words of encouragement.

But just lately something mighty weird has been going on.

You, my loyal readership, will know that the BossLady-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed-For-Fear-Of-Wrathful-Retribution-And-Pins-Stuffed-Up-Dolls-Type-Performance-Enhancing-Voodoo-ChicaneryTM had moved on to higher things amidst much cheering in the environs de moi truly.

And yet....

And yet it seems since that splendid day of great joy and singing in the streets, I have been on the recieving end of her instructions and demands on a more or less hourly basis.

What eerie powers does she possess that she can jerk me around hither and thither without so much as a by-your-leave? Is it the strange wine-coloured waters she force-drinks me? Or perhaps it is the Dark Arts she picked up on her mysterious 'yogic retreat' at the exclusive Star-Jumps Al Fresco resort?

Someone even suggested I put a bounty on her head, but she'd only eat it.

I can only hope this torment ends soon.

Indeed, maybe it would be better all round if she just simply came back to a proper job and lorded it over us poor minions as she used to.

Big Chief I-Spy Competition

As we approach what is ambivalently known as 'festival season' I have decided to entertain all of you lot with a competition of my devising.

This competition will test to the limit your meagre powers of close observation.

It will rely on your ability to identify something not quite right.

You will need to be able to spot something that is a little 'out-of-place'.

So, as you can imagine, I am not expecting much in the way of winners.

But, onwards, to the competition itself, which revolves around the All-New Club DerrigTM and the concealment of certain items about the premises.

All you have to do is spot the item and email me at the usual address with details of your "spot.

Here's a particularly difficult one that'll give you an idea of what I'm on about. It's a tough one, but keep looking.

No? Didn't see it?

Here, have another go.

Still no?

Last chance.

Finally!

Well done to all those who correctly spotted the fire alarm button cunningly concealed behind the potted plant.

Xmas: don't go overboard, will you?

That takes the biscuit

The mighty Brentford in action

Brentford Football Club are a professional English football club based in Brentford in the London Borough of Hounslow. They are currently playing in Football League One.

They were founded in 1889 and play their home games at Griffin Park, their home stadium since 1904. The club has a long-standing rivalry with near neighbours, Fulham. Brentford's most successful spell came during the 1930s, when they achieved consecutive top six finishes in the First Division.

Got that? The FIRST DIVISION!

Now, I know that not every quizmaster can be as thorough in their research as myself, the leopard-cheetah imbroglio (of which the case against the South African Tourist Board remains outstanding) notwithstanding, (and which a temporary lack of funds prevents me pursuing with all the vigour I can get up in the morning).

It is only the fact of my single-handedly winning the quiz in question and being rewarded with a pallet of quality biscuits - which I will of course be dividing up amongst my gaggle of cheerleaders on the evening - that has prevented me from making any more fuss about it than this entry up my blog and a stiff letter of reprimand which is in the post as I speak.

I must say that I was most moved, though, by the sight of Beattie leaping to his feet several times across the course of the evening to remonstrate with the quizmaster in a most ferocious fashion about this schoolboy error, Commader Jaaaahhhhnnn having to physically restrain him for the safety of us all.

It was quite something to see him getting all lathered up in such a passionate demonstration of fealty unto me. Virually a poster-boy for a public school education where clothing was optional.

I remained aloof, dignified and keeping my counsel, pleased that there was no need to be a-barking myself.

I'd also like to thank the laydeez for turning up and playing such a positive role, fetching of beers and so on. I don't think I could have done it without you, and I do here for the record and the avoidance of doubting salute your carrying prowess.

A short word about yesterday...