Why oh why 3: world record attempt

News reaches me hotfoot at my barstool that the popular lunatic Dickie 'Cash-Builder' Evans has stunned his doubters with a triumphant run up a flight of stairs.

It seems he entered upon a wager Mr Benjamin Thomas (the cad and complusive animal-toucher, conviction now spent) that he could manage all the stairs between the basement of Mabledon Towers and Club Derrig on the 9th floor in less than 60 seconds.

And, yes, to the surprise of everyone who had him marked down as a broken-down and incapable young sot, in just 74 seconds he managed this astounding feat.

Starting from the ground floor he addressed the security team - The Happiest Employees In The World TM - on his intention to reach the 8th floor in just under a minute and a half. They happily parted with a tenner each against the adrenalin-crazed "athlete" and would-be accountant.

A mere seven minutes later he breasted the third floor tape and, with a minute or two to spare, demolished two Bensons and quaffed a Mangers.

After a somewhat lengthy but medically-essential toilet break on the fifth floor, he bounded from the gent's and renewed his ascent with astonishing vigour. Taking up to two stairs at a time, and with not a hand on the bannister sometimes, it was not a matter to be undertaken by anyone less than 110% fit, and certainly not by a man with his appalling history of miserable gut-wrenching failure.

Later that evening he staggered out of the lift on the ninth floor, his legs like blancmange, his eyes wild, his hair like an explosion in a coconut matting factory. He barely reached the bar and uttered through lung-draining breaths, "A breeze, chaps, simply a breeze!"

Mr.Benjamin Thomas stopped his usual worthless chattering to consult the Club's sundial. "You're an afternoon too late," he declared louchely, stroking his face where he would grow glossy, lush moustachios were it not for his hormonal troubles.

Poor mad Dickie. I hope for the poor deluded fool's sake that he is not relying on such brainless wagers to settle any temporary financial embarrassment he may have, or in order to fund his attempt to make an honest woman of the long-suffering, ever-patient, and devoted Contessa.