Resolutioning

It is that time at which it is become unto me customary to make a few easily-breakable promises thereunto myself about what I shall be a-doing-of in the course of the forthcoming year of 2008.

Overall I have decided to make my top resolution tackling the problem of being surrounded by clowns.


There are a number of subsidiary resolutions as well as detailed untoforehereunder.

First up, no more investments in the sharp businessing of Dickie 'Mad' Evans. Too much of my hard-earned spondulicks have been flushed down that toilet. No more, I say. I am henceforth re-directing his beggary for funds towards the louche Beattie. See how he gets on there. Not.

Secondly up, I am reigniting my campaign to be restored as figurehead and mascot of the somewhat decrepit Club Derrig. Away with this monstrous regiment of women of all sizes, the long, and the short and the tall.

It's not that I have anything against women. Well, not often enough for me to feel that some of my charm has rubbed up on them. So, no more of that sitting back and watching them dragging MY CLUB into lunatic charitable fundraising efforts for hopeless cases around the world.

Thirdly up, I can no longer permit Beattie a free bed for the night whenever he decides to roll in, dragging "his share" of the duvet off me without a word of explanation of wherever he might have been hanging his hat for the previous nights in other company.

I will now be charging very reasonable rates per hour for the comfort and warmth which my frame can disseminate on the coldest of nights.

Fourthly up, I am issuing once again a formal renewal of my one-off offer to Girls Aloud. One at a time or as a group, as soon as I've sorted out my fifth resolution (below) I will take them on.
They may be incapacitated for some time after, but I'm sure they'll agree it was well worth it. Even the Nicola one. It'll be good practice for Smartarses.

Fifthly up, I am determined - against all advice from friends and relatives - to see a medical practitioner about the ongoing trouble below my belt. It's been ongoing on for some time now and I understand that therapeutic massage is now available on the National HS.

Sixthly up, and finally up, I am hell-bent on spraying a little love and kindness over my closest and dearest in order that the gruff exterior for which I am world-renowned is seen purely as a superficial trait that hides a heart of glowing and rampant tenderness. So ready yourselves, because here I'm coming!

Now, readers, dear readers, I recognise that not all of you - if any, in fact - will have the strength of character to make and keep your own resolutions. I am also therefore offering to take up your resolutions and fulfill them. Simply send them in with a £10 note to the usual address.

Here's a picture for those of you who can't remember what they look like, Cap'n Richards.

Happy New Year to each and everyone of you. That even goes for the Genius Amanuensis.