Man from sky brings heaven on earth

I am being hooked up to heaven by the Sky mainline today, which I will be viewing on my 'World's Biggest TV' (but don't google that if you're after a telly)!

Look at this amazing package of channels I have signed up to:

Sky Soap
Sky Soap+1
Sky Soap Gold
Sky Soap Platinum
Sky Soap Nostalgia
Sky Soap Trivia
Sky Soap Classic
Sky Soap Premium
Sky Soap Outtakes
Sky Soap Most Haunted
Sky Soap Souvenir Shopping
Sky Soap Stars Dancing On Ice Pratfall Special
Sky Soap Stars Sing-A-Longa Lookee-Likee In Their Eyes
Sky Soap News
The Discerning Bachelor's Non-Stop Lingerie Channel

On top of this my new top-of-the-range telly has 'in picture view what's on the other side functionality'. Which means I can watch two soaps at the same time.

Name me one thing better than this? Apart from a second telly, of course.

Gottle o geer

No, you're wrong - it's not the picture that's shaky.

We all need a way of letting go after a particularly stressful event - say an especially fraught conference, or maybe a weekend in Prague with a boy. But what the Duchess Tonia Faustino VII really needs is to learn how to let go of a bottle.

A dark day indeed

Friday afternoon saw an evening which shook the world and will live in infamy for aeons to come. I've been recovering all weekend.

I have to say it was a close run thing, and my decision to warm the cockles of those attending the Club Derrig AGM with a much needed pre-prandial played no small part in nearly ensuring that I was the victor in a write-in campaign calling for me to remain in post.

But it was by the merest whisker - no offence to the laydee 'victors' - that I am no longer Club President, and have been replaced by a triumvirate who traded on their so-called glamour rather than abilities in their desperate cravings for power.



I salute the new President Lady Jo Power-Crazed of Whelan of Oestreicher, Jools 'Smoking, Snorting, Shooting, Spelling' Hallam, and Tallulah 'Fizzy-Shenanigans' McGuinness for their unstinting grasping methods. Behaviour almost befitting of a cad one might think if they had not been of the distaff, and therefore behaviour against the natural order of their sex's gentle manner.

But it didn't stop there. I had placed before the meeting a number of weighty matters for consideration, the content of which I reprint here for the record, and to demonstrate their worthiness:


Motion 1: HAIL TO THE CHIEF

This Annual General Meeting notes that there have been many great leaders throughout history – Emily Pankhurst, Joseph Stalin and Bernard Matthews.

This Annual General Meeting believes that our former President, Colin Patrick Joseph Derrig should be added to the Parthenon of Greats. Like a latterday Horatio Hornblower, he has captained the good ship U.S.S.S.C. through choppy waters, dealt with the threat of mutiny and arrived on the other side of the Horn without having to resort to excessive use of the lash, not to mention sodomy and rum.

Therefore, this Annual General Meeting agrees that from the close of this meeting, Colin Patrick Joseph Derrig should be addressed at all times in the U.S.S.S.C. bar as Mr Former President and in his absence be referred to as “His Excellency”.


Motion 2: MOZZER

This Annual General Meeting recognises Morrissey as the voice of a generation of U.S.S.S.C. members. Many of us have cried into a half empty glass of warm ale and a bag of crisps well past their sell by date whilst listening to instant classics such as Girlfriend in a Coma, We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful, You’re the One For Me Fatty, Pontius Pilates Had a Muscle Spasm and You Have Killed Me.

This Annual General Meeting notes that in line with the U.S.S.S.C’s progressive polices, modern technology such as the I Pod has been embraced by the Club and replaced our much loved Amstrad Media & Entertainment Console. It is now possible to play the “hits” of Morrissey to the Club’s faithful on a continual loop between the hours of 5.00pm and 8.30pm.

However, this Annual General Meeting notes that some U.S.S.S.C. members enjoy alternative music such as R ‘n’ B, Drum and Bass and Hardcore Bucket, and if they want to hear that racket they can go somewhere else!

Therefore, this Annual General Meeting declares that March 4th will henceforth be commemorated in the U.S.S.S.C. Bar as Mozza Day. Bar activities on Mozza Day will be as follows:

· A continual loop of Morrissey’s finest moments being played on the I Pod of a certain former U.S.S.S.C. President;

· A display of Morris – C Dancing by Ben Thomas (A vegetarian pig’s bladder will be used);

· Fruli available at the discounted price of £1.99.

I am sorry to report that both motions fell as a result of disgraceful manoeuvrings behind my back.

To cap it all I have been elected Assistant Chief Bar Steward No.2! No.2!!! What is the world coming to?

I pledge this oaf now: I will return.

Ballots to the lot of you

I am urging all my loyal fans to turn out in support of me at today’s AGM of Club Derrig.

Normally I find democracy a bit of a bind, relying - as one unfortunately has to – on the knuckleheads, loons, and degenerates that make up the Club Derrig electorate. It’s a nightmare getting them to put their hands up at the right time. Drink helps, of course, but none of them would get a certificate as house-trained.

So I am appealing to you, my loyal readers, to turn up at 4.30 today and ensure that I am voted out of the Presidency, having achieved all my manifesto pledges in my 5 years of office - namely to encourage more women to take up drinking at the Club.

I have used all my Derrig powers to encourage, coax, inveigle, manipulate, abduct, and force members of the fairer sex – regardless of gender or looks – to join me in alcoholic sustenance. I defy anyone to challenge my remarkably high success rate when I’ve been paying! Bring it on!

So it is with great sadness I must step down as President to avoid buying drinks on such a regular basis, and switch my funds to buying me a Sky TV package, featuring the Fashion TV channel with foreign models and suchlike.

Your support is essential, and you can show it by voting for the ‘Lady’ Jo Whelan of Oestreicher as President, no matter how bad you feel about it. It could be worse - I am at least on 'mwah-mwah-darling-air-kiss' terms with her.

In my last meeting as President you will be able to hear me hold forth on a number of important issues such as the appropriate terminology for addressing former Presidents of Club Derrig, and why my birthday should be celebrated by declaring it International Morris Dancing day.

To avoid confusion, please note that only members of Club Derrig may vote.

Gertrude Shilling, eat your heart out!

It's not everyone that can get away with a hat this gorgeous, and I am no exception.

But as you can see this particular chapeau - when worn having consumed a yard of cassis and white wine - had a dramatic and dismal effect on my mood.


I put it down to the grim item of headgear being manufactured by a hatter who practised the dark arts.

I shall only wear the dreaded titfer on ceremonial occasions, when gravitas must be maintained at all costs and it is necessary to resist the childish japes and prankery of my civil partner-to-be 'Mr' 'Benjamin' 'Thomas'.

Bush-whacked

I hear that being dragged through a hedge backwards has left poor old Contessa Joonie 'Twin of Evil A' Woonie plucking leaves from her bush.

If you want all the gory details you'll have to ask her yourself. You know me - my lips are sealed.

A cause for celebration?

Can I be the first to congratulate in a net-wise type way the famous tobacco smoker Paul ‘Wacky’ Jacko on the birth of a famous scientist to him and his young laydee.

Wacky is of a erudite bent and can often be found with his head buried in a thick tome about the universe or insect-men or printers that can replicate your wildest desires.

Being so devoted to all things scientific it can be of little amazement that Paul’s offspring has been named after the pioneers of the golden age of enlightenment.

So raise your glasses to (deep breath) George Isaac Einstein Curie Planck Schrodinger Crick and Watson Finlay-Freundlich Kouhoutek Mandelbrot Moebius Masters and Johnson Bell Kellogg Lumiere Pascal Archimedes Sikorsky Heinz Einthoven Cousteau Baumann Hoover Kotelnikov Edison Lenoir Libby Ehrlich Priestly Olah Onsager Prigogine Ramsay Woodward Wollaston Flamel Freeman Hardy and Willis Jackson.

Good on you, Wacky!

Paris remembered

I am shocked in an ongoing way to learn that I have not yet been named in the ever-growing list of the Princess’s former beaux.

The dead and mangled Princess Diana of Whales was a beautiful laydee of exquisite taste and rare intelligence. Such a shame she only has the scoundrel Burrell to spurt his vile tittle-tattle all across her memory, while managing to erase me from the scene altogether.

People will be astonished when all the rancid secrets of my nooks and crannies are finally exposed in my work-in-progress memoirs, provisionally-titled “I: My Own Autobiography”.

The truth about 9/11

I am informed by my old chum and wingnut Colin 'AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH-MY EXPLODING-HEAD-NO-PLEASE-STOP-THE-VOICES-STOP-THE-VOICES' Meech that he has secret information about how 9/11 was a colossal stitch-up.

He has several thousand documents stored in various carrier bags around London which he says,"Prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that 9/11 almost perhaps might not have been quite exactly what we were told, pretty much more of less."

If true, this is shocking stuff indeed and needs wider exposure so we can bring down the Governments and secret alien-lizard forces behind them. Or the pixies.

Go Colin!

Film review III: Genghiz Khan

Jemima 'Genghiz' Khan, the famous racehorse owner.

(Apologies to those who have been waiting for this.)

Synopsis: The explosive, action-packed adventure in one of the all-time most popular superhero sagas unfolds with a cure in reach for the world's most primal force of alcoholic fury - Jemima "Genghiz" Khan. We find torch-inventor and scientist Stephen Hawking (Tom Hanks)living in shadows, scouring the planet for an hotel or a set of bagpipes. Either will do. But the tiny warmongers who dream of abusing his powers won't leave him alone, as they run hither and thither making strangely-arousing noises. And then of course there is his aching need to be with the only woman he has ever loved: Mama Cass, Renee Fleming, and Wonder Woman (all played brilliantly by a lacklustre Hermione Gingold).

Probably a ray-gun used in the middle bit. WHAAA-AAAM! Lots of circus folk.

Upon returning to civilization, the genius Hawking is ruthlessly pursued by the Witch Queen of New Orleans (Carmen Miranda) - a nightmarish beast of pure adrenaline and aggression whose powers match Genghiz's own, but with enormous bags of flour. A fight of comic-book proportions ensues as Hawking must call upon the hero within to rescue Wheathampstead from total destruction. The scientist must make an agonizing final choice - accept a peaceful life as Stephen Hawking or rejoin the circus. The circus wins.

Col's commentary:To be stricty accurate, I've not actually seen this film all the way through, being evicted from the cinema immediately after the title sequence for what some jumped-up jobsworth described as - pardon my language -'stinking of piss'. Despite my efforts to reassure him it was merely my after-shave (L'eau d'homme) he was having none of it and ejected me. I have therefore relied pretty much on what I could gather from hearing the film retold by the extremely narcotised fantasist Jools Hallam.

I give it a well-deserved four out of five stars.

Anti-Virus

[Picture too gross for posting here.]

I see that that forehead-licking is back in vogue.

I can only assume this is some monstrous misunderstanding based on the old phrase "give 'em a lick upside the head".

I only hope that for reasons of avoiding the norovirus that this unhygienic craze passes soon.

You say you want a resolution

Alright! Enough already!

I have been deluged with a phone call demanding to know my resolution for the year of 2008 (C.E.).

Usually I do not participate in this annual festival of self-flagellation and misery, but even I recognise this year as special, being not only a leap year in which laydeez will be proposing all sorts to me , but also the London Olympics.

Therefore I have been a-pondering and decided to enter into the spirit of the thing with the rest of you.

In a-pondering I have reached the conclusion that there is not enough of me to go round - despite the protestations to the contrary of Mr.Benjamin Thomas, the nay-saying oppositionist against it all.

I am thus decided that for the good of all there needs to be more of me and so the funds I customarily devote to my many investments and charitable doings will henceforth be plunged into my new and long-previoulsy announced enterprise merging My Space and Facebook, to be called MyFace. It will feature pictures and information about me and my activities and will be downloadable directly into your living room.

In fact, altogther a bit like my blogwebbing, but with a huge injection of more of me.

I will let you know about the fees later.

New Year Message

...now where was I?

Oh, yes, my new year message.

In keeping with all world leaders, senior royalty, and celebrities, I feel it is my duty to share with all who care to listen my outlook on the coming year. At great personal expense and inconvenience I have recorded a short piece of film which I think expresses my thoughts, hopes, fears and feelings about the future and what it holds for us all.

Are you sitting comfortably? Well, here goes: