A dark day indeed

Friday afternoon saw an evening which shook the world and will live in infamy for aeons to come. I've been recovering all weekend.

I have to say it was a close run thing, and my decision to warm the cockles of those attending the Club Derrig AGM with a much needed pre-prandial played no small part in nearly ensuring that I was the victor in a write-in campaign calling for me to remain in post.

But it was by the merest whisker - no offence to the laydee 'victors' - that I am no longer Club President, and have been replaced by a triumvirate who traded on their so-called glamour rather than abilities in their desperate cravings for power.



I salute the new President Lady Jo Power-Crazed of Whelan of Oestreicher, Jools 'Smoking, Snorting, Shooting, Spelling' Hallam, and Tallulah 'Fizzy-Shenanigans' McGuinness for their unstinting grasping methods. Behaviour almost befitting of a cad one might think if they had not been of the distaff, and therefore behaviour against the natural order of their sex's gentle manner.

But it didn't stop there. I had placed before the meeting a number of weighty matters for consideration, the content of which I reprint here for the record, and to demonstrate their worthiness:


Motion 1: HAIL TO THE CHIEF

This Annual General Meeting notes that there have been many great leaders throughout history – Emily Pankhurst, Joseph Stalin and Bernard Matthews.

This Annual General Meeting believes that our former President, Colin Patrick Joseph Derrig should be added to the Parthenon of Greats. Like a latterday Horatio Hornblower, he has captained the good ship U.S.S.S.C. through choppy waters, dealt with the threat of mutiny and arrived on the other side of the Horn without having to resort to excessive use of the lash, not to mention sodomy and rum.

Therefore, this Annual General Meeting agrees that from the close of this meeting, Colin Patrick Joseph Derrig should be addressed at all times in the U.S.S.S.C. bar as Mr Former President and in his absence be referred to as “His Excellency”.


Motion 2: MOZZER

This Annual General Meeting recognises Morrissey as the voice of a generation of U.S.S.S.C. members. Many of us have cried into a half empty glass of warm ale and a bag of crisps well past their sell by date whilst listening to instant classics such as Girlfriend in a Coma, We Hate It When Our Friends Become Successful, You’re the One For Me Fatty, Pontius Pilates Had a Muscle Spasm and You Have Killed Me.

This Annual General Meeting notes that in line with the U.S.S.S.C’s progressive polices, modern technology such as the I Pod has been embraced by the Club and replaced our much loved Amstrad Media & Entertainment Console. It is now possible to play the “hits” of Morrissey to the Club’s faithful on a continual loop between the hours of 5.00pm and 8.30pm.

However, this Annual General Meeting notes that some U.S.S.S.C. members enjoy alternative music such as R ‘n’ B, Drum and Bass and Hardcore Bucket, and if they want to hear that racket they can go somewhere else!

Therefore, this Annual General Meeting declares that March 4th will henceforth be commemorated in the U.S.S.S.C. Bar as Mozza Day. Bar activities on Mozza Day will be as follows:

· A continual loop of Morrissey’s finest moments being played on the I Pod of a certain former U.S.S.S.C. President;

· A display of Morris – C Dancing by Ben Thomas (A vegetarian pig’s bladder will be used);

· Fruli available at the discounted price of £1.99.

I am sorry to report that both motions fell as a result of disgraceful manoeuvrings behind my back.

To cap it all I have been elected Assistant Chief Bar Steward No.2! No.2!!! What is the world coming to?

I pledge this oaf now: I will return.