Strictly not on

I am alarmed and depressed in simultaneous quantities to hear that there is a campaign being got up the judges to get John 'Private' Sergeant off of the X-Dancing programme Saturday night, Sunday evening on BBC1 and most of the week on BBC2 with the Winkleman.

This is nothing short of a trial by jury but without a jury, except one made up of judges.

There can be no justice with those kangaroos in wigs.

It is one of the world's greatest and most innocent pleasures to have a large, ungainly, and possibly drunk chap stumbling around an impossibly beautiful and dancingly-talented young laydee in skimpy accoutrements. (The man wearing an evening suit, of course.)

And I should know! I have paid enough in the past for partaking in this pleasure.

I am sure the "great" British public will not allow this to happen, and I call on everyone who reads this to send me a £10 note in order that I may write a letter to the Queen (HM) as to her genuinely pleading subjects on this issue.

I may as well drop her a PS as well, asking for our airwaves to be spared the ongoing misery of the attacks on Timmy 'Biff, Bat, Botch' Mallet and have him crowned king of the jungle, if not adjutant-general.

God save the licence fee!