Xmas Gift Round-up

Probably the best of a sorry bunch of gifts to me from you lot.

I will be wearing it on those special occasions when I am in need of warming myself up.

Also a mug.

Xmas blogging again

Yes, I think dearly of you all which is why I've been up all night splashing out on you for a treat.

Shhhh! Charitable Works Ahead

You, my regular reader, will know that I am almost never likely to wander ever into tales of my charitable good works, no matter how persuasively I might be pressed to give up a copper or two for the starving minions.

No, I won't talk about it so don't even get of asking it at me time after time.

I am resolute to be silent on the issue and not even torture at the hands of the most well-oiled pro will force it out of me, hither and thither.

However, my heart was touched this Christian (and hangers-on) season when I literally came upon a haggard and starving wretch-cum-urchin left unattended in a gutter nearabouts my whereabouts.

With all the charitable goodness in every tip of my left hand's little finger I took said urchin to a local hostelry and did feed him up with a bowl of good broth and a flagon or seventeen of ale, for he was possessed of a mighty yule thirst. Indeed, I have never seen such a whole-hearted bid for the Guinness Book of Records (Dangerous Consumption Chapter).

Then he recounted at enormous length his terribly sad and moving tale for me, one of an unfortunately doomed handicrafts projects using string and wax, a Man with whom he would like to be United, and his eternal battles with the forces of grim bureaucracy.

I would be a brazier liar if I said I did then not bawl up my guts over it.

(I am indebted to Cap'n Jon for his theft of a picture which he passed on to me which was actually by Commissar a la Motte of what is very much a tear-jerk-off moment.)

Then, reeking of Christmas cheer, this eerie creature staggered off alone into the night, weaving between the traffic, cursing up a storm most banefully.

I, naturally, retired to Club Derrig where I spoke sadly to Beattie about this strange experience, and he looked awry.

"Whereso do you dog look awry?" I quippeth.

"'Tis a most haunting tale, Sir Colin," he replied in his usual gloomy manner.

"Out with it Beattie! No! I didn't mean that - put it away. No, advise me you beerhound, that this was no heavenly spirit what I have entertained with my very own cash this cold and darkling evening. Forsooth?"

"Nay, Sir Colin, 'twas an eccentric local goes under the name of Old Alan," he continued in his gloomy monotone. "They who do say, do say he be the richest man in Christendom, after Lord Jenkins."

A sweat broke out in the region of my wallet, and that very night I vowed never to do or speak again of charity.

Season's Greetings - Sir Colin

Don't forget to join me tomorrow for some festive-type egg/elfhead shenaniganery stuff. 'Round about midnight approximately. In the meantime, a message of love to all my both readers:

Season's Greetings - Beattie

Season's Greetings - Tallulah

O come all ye faithful...

'Tis the season to be jolly!

Join me in doing your bit (or anyone else's bits for that matter) for the planet here.

Season's Greetings - The Genius Amanuensis

Season's Greetings - Twin of Evil 1

Xmas lunch bonanza

I am very much looking forward to a massive festive lunching today of specialist gourmand content and stuffing.

Ah yes, it's the old plate of xmas loveliness which brings up the real meaning of christmastidy with alarming force and frequency.

Washed down with a range of lagers, brandy, baileys, fruity beers, and a number of wines, then all of it shook up in a frenzy at the Club Derrig disco-hell-in-a-handcart.

What better way to celebrate this very special queasy time of year?

Eeeeeeh Bah Goom

Defintely a load of E from the look of Trippy Tone in his acid poinsettia weskit.

Season's Greetings - Jools

Cryptic Xmas Message

...from 'She-Who-Must-Be-Obeyed-She-Says'TM.

It's probably about some new approach to conflict resolution she's dreamed up off her head.

Saeson's Greetings - Lady Jo of Wheeeeeeeelan

Fleixworkingtime - a comprehensive guide

I have been asked to provide a detailed explanation of what is to me an utter simpleton of stuff about the fortnightly and weekly time-mounting-up-amazingly- despite-not-actually-being-around-much recording sheets.

I think this short demonstration video just about covers it for even the Boss Lady (or 'She-Who's-Not-Been-Quite-Right-Since-The-Bonce-Bash-Crash-Ouch'TM.

Season's Greetings - Sam 'The Spiv' Stroingrain

Season's Greetings - Cap'n Jahnnnnnn

Season's Greetings - Twin of Evil A

Team Derrig Xmas Carnage

Last Friday, I got the lacklustre drongoes of the team to contribute to a substantial raising of the average alcohol consumption per head for the UK.

And what a contribution!

To some people she's the 4th emergency service...

Season's Greetings - McGyver

Season's Greetings - Red Snapper

Season's Greetings - JayDee

Oh, aye!

Huzzah and chim-chim-cheree!

Just in time to get one for me as a jolly little stocking filler, it seems the monocle is making comeback, and will be sold in HIGH STREET SHOPS!

Just what I, Derrig, need to put the final touches to my gentlemanly get-up.

In fact, why stop at one? Get me a pair, Beattie, and I'll be doubly a-goggled.

Toodle-pip, old beans!

Season's Greetings - Brysers

Season's Greetings - Braisers

Off her tits on drugs...

...Or possibly just immensely desirous of sucking a straw with your yours truly? One can never really tell with Jools 'Can I Fly?' Hallam.

I, of course, made my usual excuse and left her wanting more.

Except, she had already got in her retaliation and is not speaking to me evermore again in the future to come.

Win-win situation, I call it.

Christmas greetingers

A seasonal greeting of it to all you lot of my readers for the Christmas time tide from myself and BT.

Prick

Ask BT.

A Denial

1) I have never met this woman.

2) This is all totally made up off her head.

3) I am considering legal action.

4) I am not now or ever have been a dirty dancer.

5) I apologise to this young lady's sister for anything we may have inadvertently done all over her furniture.

And there's an end to it.

By the pricking of my thumbs

Boring embroidery - a must

Known widely by a judge for his embroidery skills, it's a real pleasurableness to see The Mozzter displaying one of his many pastimes.

Always a good needler, there's no doubt he could stitch anyone up like the quipper he is.

Bereft

Maggie Jones
21 June 1934 – 2 December 2009

There and back here again now

Yes, I'm back.

Gone down below

Flipping little liars them guidebookers.

Look at what they promise:

“The idea of a fun trip to a salt mine may sound a little dubious. And as you head out through the suburbs you may wonder just why you are leaving the glories of the city behind. However, it is not just the antiquity of these mines that makes them worth the trip (things got fully underway here as early as the thirteenth century), they are also home to one of the wonders of Poland. This is the chapel of the Blessed Kinga, which to all intents and purposes is a full blown church, the only difference being that it is 200 metres undergound, and carved entirely from salt, (including the chandeliers that hang from the ceiling). It is a quite astounding sight, and all the more so as it was carved not by an outsider, but by a group of gifted miners themselves.”

And can you lick the statues? No!

I imagine this is some hang over from the years of repression, as I've never been stopped from licking up a bit of the old marble in the good old United of Kingdom.

I suppose this is what passes for Polandish wit.

Not a zloty going on

Just don't ask me how...

Can I offer my immense and heart-felt condolences for a couple of laydeez of my acquaintance who have between them joyously given birth unto an baby.

No, me neither.

But I say well done! The march of Science will not be halted!

Here's a poem I wrote up especially:

Hell-ooooooo baby
Yooooooooou baby
Neeeeeeeeew baby
Oooooooooh baby

To the Poland

Today I am off up the Poland and hooray for that.

Along with the old jazzing, Poland's chief export has been their inventionness. Yes, always thinking and a-dreaming up new stuff, the Polands.

Hence I will be reporting on their clever way with brains and stuff during my visit to their popular salt mines and their other mind-numbingly grey, dismally-oppressive, architectural wonders of great brilliance.

We start with the Q-Tip.

In 1923, Leo Gerstenzang invented the cotton swab or Q-Tips. His product, which he named "Baby Gays", went on to become one of the most widely-sold brand names, where "Q" as in "Q-tip" stood for "Q" for "Quick get that wax out".

There are many dull and poorly-sourced anecdotes about how Mr. Gerstenzang came to create this invention.

He founded a company, called the Leo Gerstenzang Infant Novelty Company, to market his new product. In 1926, he changed the name of the product from Baby Gays to Q-Tips Baby Gays. Eventually the Baby Gays part was dropped and the product was simply called Q-Tips.

Though commonly used as an ear cleaner, doctors today do not advise using the Q-Tip for ears because of sensitivity of the eardrum.

So not actually that much use then, but still Poland's biggest revenue-earner around the world.

Tomorrow, the creation of a new mounting for the ballast tank funnels.

Can't wait.

Looking up at the stars

Good to see Beattie touting for business, raking the curdled scum and gunk out of your personal conduits and culverts.

With Yuletide fast coming up us, the extra cash won't go amiss at Derrig towers, where we are badly in desperate need of a new pair of silk jim-jams.

Literary efforts

I am often asked about my means of support and, of course, my lifestyle-thing simply cannot be sustained with the profits from Club Derrig and the repeat fees from Smartarses. Apart from having to fund BT on a regular basis to help him out of his gambling owings, I also have a full wardrobe to keep stocked with the latest in men's outfittery.

So it will not surprise you to discover it that I am also a merchant of fine illustrated literature to lonely gentlemen.

I have a chain of outlets, and above you can see me captured in an advertising pose at my Cardiff branch.

In common with many entrepreneurial sorts I am feeling the credit crunchie, hence the 'sale' sign. Up to 20% off of well-thumbed copies of 'Behind Prison Walls' and 'Hot Doodie'.

I am also accepting bids in excess of a fiver for a rare copy of my own magnus opum 'Derrig: Up All Night Again'.

All purchases posted in a plain brown envelope.

Onward and onward

Jazz-Poles, earlier.

I am relieved of myself to have got that confession yesterday off my chest.

In fact I can say that it made me feel so good that I can now reveal around the purpose of my trip up the Poland to come soon.

Yes, for indeed it is a yes, it's the Poland's Cool Jazz Festival while I am there.

The Poland has a thriving and notorious jazz 'scenery' for 'hipstercats' like my own.

I am more and more of the opinion that the Poland jazz is amongst that nations finest and I hereby do tribute unto it with a swift run-through of the finest ever work by Adam Malkowicz, one of the real geniuses of Polish jazz. His brilliant career spans decades and even today he always amazes jazz fans with his virtuosity and swingery.

Here's a short vocal rendering of his greatest work "BaDaDaDooBop", printed so you can singalong with it, you.

Oooooooh
Skeedly bop
Oooooooh
Skiddly bop bop
Bip bom bip bom skeedly bipbop bam
Ooooooooooooooh
Twiddly tweeeee skee-boo
Bip bop bip bop bip bop bip bop
Bippery boppery bip bip bip boo
Skiddly
Skiddly-dee
Skiddly-dah
Oooooooooh
Sh-bop bam boo
Skiddly
Skiddly
Skiddly
Skiddly
Skiddly
Skiddly
Scat
A Bam
A Bip
A Bom Boo Boo Poo
Poo
Poo
Poopy Poo
Skiddly Poo
Poo Bop
Poo Poo Poo
Poo
Bop Poo Plop
Ploppy Poo
Plop
Bum
Boo
Bum Plop Poo
A-Bam

I am looking forward to a good old jazzing in Krakow.

Secret desires

It is time about time after time that I confessed.

I do indeed have a long felt want, of which I have tried to conceal the worst of it from those nearest and dearest to me. It is of such mega-proportions that for a time it threatened to wreck my brain's sane parts.

But recently I have found myself slinking and a skulking off to private rooms to indulge my peccadillo, spending hours alone with only my shame for company. It has begotten far too big for me to go on in this way of things.

I am therefore dragging myself up screaming and hootering into the daylight of you, the people's, gazes. I have no choice but to expose my troubling habit to the full glare of the paparazzis and general populus.

I am.....
.........
.........
.........
.........
.........
a........
.........
.........
.........
.........
.........
jazz-hound.

Yes, I am a lover of horns, especially those driven with a syncopatin' rhythm.

I am a sucker for a clarinet, a strum on the old archtop, a stroke of the joanna.

Forgive me.

Derrig: Working For YOU!

Mild isn't it?

Unseasonably so, but none the worse for that.

Who wants the weather a-howling and a tipping-down all over their deerstalker and Gannex?

So, spare a thought for those of us working hard for YOU to enjoy the positive side-effects of global warming.

Cap'n Jon the Kingpin

As ever, I was a magnanimous in victory.

Tempus fuggit - unluckily for some

That tempus fuggits away at a rare old pace around Derrig Towers.

One year it's 2007, the next it's 2009, and it's like all our yesterdays and tomorrows have gone up us all in the one big bang. Forgive my phlisophising, but it is isn't it my wont, innit.

It's also my blog so stuff that up your fairisle or your pipe, whichever is the most accommodating.

But with the new legal laws saying you can't use the word age in any context whatsoever - CP gone mad if you ask me - I will confine my remarks about getting withered and 'getting on a tad' to those who weather the storms of the passing years with grace, style, good-humour, a cheeky smile, and still keeping their good looks.

It cannot be easy hitting life's milestones full-face smack and yet still go on with determination, fortitude and pluck, letting no obstacle stand in their way.

Good on them, I say.

Yet, a shame that Cap'n Jon cannot be counted amongst them.

Mozzerable Now

That incident captured in glorious technoblast.

It seems clear to me that it was merely only simply just a case of a fan wishing to pass up a beer to the great chap.

A bit of overenthusiasm, misjudging distance and the target, letting fly a little early, the fluid spilling everywhere, and the intended storms off in disgust.

It's a common problem.

She Ate A Watermelon

In a rather ill-judged attempt to suck up to me for my amazing victory over the Smartarses, Jools has partaken of a watermelon-eating contest for charity.

All proceeds to buy a new tank top.

Puckered out

Bunch of bonkers psychodelic chaps.

It's the only way of putting it all in the one simple word.

The downside? The Genius Amanuensis a-mithering and glum about the legroom.

Pain? Pain!?!

He should try a dosage of the sci-fi-atica and the lumbagogo.

That'll show him who's really a pain.

Shabby Usurpery

I knew it.

The victory over the Smartarses is going to the heads of other members of Team Derrig.

Already it seems that BT is drawing up (and making-up) his own fruit-related quizzes and bandying them about in Club Derrig. Not being the afeared sort, I of course engage him and dispose of his meddlesome quizzical interspersions in a matter of seconds.

Sample for yourself his tawdry wares with this insolent interrogative: Has there ever been a watermelon larger than I, Derrig of the Derrig.

Ha, I think not!

But he is not alone in having his skull wrenched out of place by the divine Goddess that is Stardomery.

I was perturbed to hear that the Genius Amanuensis was ASKED TO RUN A QUIZ, which he did do done and all last night!

Now, you know me: even if it's a case of having to heave up to the buffers and grind away until the old spine is fairly rubberish, you won't hear me moaning. I am, after all, a great admirer of the Strictly Got Dancing type of stuff, and am willing to shake a rumpfeather for the benefit of the laydeez.

Spread the glory around that is rightly mine own if I must, is my motto.

But this really is the straw that broke the camel's neck.

I herebyforth do declare to all what it may be of concern that I am freely available for Quizmastering of the highest order.

No intellects too small.

Royalty, Arsenal, and Morris questions a speciality.

Fanny

Despite the paternity shenanigannery below, I am delighted to have developed a full-time fan club secretary who I met last night and did immediately offer a position with me.

My admirers, or 'fannies' as they apparently will be styling themselves, will be legion.

Someone send me a badge design.

Stardom's downside

You, dear millions of readers, will naturally have no idea about the sacrifices one has to make as a star of the widescreen.

It isn't all glamour, powder puffs, and cute make-up assistants with very soft hands. Oh no.

Of course, it does have all those, but this of not what I am writing of here.

No, I write today of the perils of being a public figure and having your face splashed with the juices of televisual stardust, and then spilled into the living rooms, bars, pubs, and clubs of the world.

I know you will not have recovered yet from my appearance all over your box on Wednesday. Indeed, I am also recovering.

So imagine my alarm when I am served before breakfast today with a writ allegating that I am a father, arising from a dalliance and a-dabbling some time back of what I know not nothing.

It seems the 'mother' involved spotted me on Smartarses and immediately contacted her solicitor and instructed them to pursue me for funds.

As proof of paternity I have demanded a NAD test (Not A Dad), as I don't think even the average chump on the Chatham omnibus would say there's a passing resemblance to the lads in the picture she sent me.

Victory Revisited!

Following on from my massive brilliance, I have been asked for more pictures of me.

In an unusual fit of generosity, I have herebytofore decided and hereunder to publish a few specially selected snaps for you all of you.

As you can see, I was not - contrary to some scurrilous alligators - the only one wearing slap.

Well-travelled Tim.

Ball-boy Ben.

The Genius Amanuensis. Gondoliers? Gondoliers?

Silent partner.

Victory!

Can I just thank all my overwhelming well-wishers for their condiments on the massive, total and shockingly unpredicted defeat of them Smartarses on the programme telly tonight.

I think I can say without a shadow of any thought that we well and truly showed them who were the bosses of brains unlimited and so forth.

What a great night for Club Derrig, and for me in particular.

For let it not be unsaid, without my stout captaining of those sorry bunch of halfwits we would unquestionably been out on the street without a penny in our pockets for efforts.

Hooray for my brain!

Special effects

Well, I never.

Not often these days, anyway.

I have, though, been a-pondering lately over the amazing special FXsXs that are used to make things appear magically up in the air in films and telly stuff.

I am now fortunate enough to have been 'let off on the ground floor' of this incredible bit of bag of tricks.

Take Dr.WooHoo for an example.

How do they get that T.A.R.D.I.S. (it stands for That Blue Box Which Is Bigger On The Outside) up in the air in a simulation of flying?

Here's the answer.



I've been making the mistake of looking for wires!

World of Lights

Funny way to spell Colin, but there you go.

McGyver

"The name's McGyver. Marty McGyver."

Yes it's the "Man of a Million Voices"TM.

Able to impersonate pretty much any man, woman, or child (and most birdsong) at the drop of a hat through his silky throat skills and the application of pressure to his pharynx, this man is a marvel.

But he is so much more than that, they say.

Give him a sheet of paper, a pen, and half an hour in a locked room and he'll knock you up a campaign that is unsurpassable for content, guile, and gumption. Give him two pens and it'll be twice as impressive.

There are few men at which I do doff my would-be cap, and McGyver is not one of them. But he's close.

Damned close.

Hallowe'en! Run for your lives!

Blonde rota

Part of my problem is a lack of time to fit in my laydee activities.

Thanks to this willing helper, I now have a rota.

This results in peace of mind, no unfortunate clashes, and a handy reference list.

Thank you, blonde laydee, whomeverso you may be.

Have you seen my little chap?

He's gone missing!

It's not like the last time what when he went walkabout on a laydee-targetting mission.

This is an important prototype dolly of me mixed up with a little Mozza, and can be recognised by the witty phrases that he spouts when pressure is applied to his tummy and thereabouts. These phrases will remind any laydee of the romantic loveliness that is me all over, viz.

"Not now, eh? It's Nazis in Colour on."

"I'll have a guess one."

"It'll have to wait - I'm buffing-up my Nightcrawler."

"Fruli."

"Give me a minute, I'm sure I'll find it down here somewhere."

"Oooops. Sorry. Bit over-eager."

and of course, the old favourite

"Hell-o-oh!"

There is of course a small reward for anyone who locates my little chap and returns it in good condition and washed.

It's getting to be the norm round here

Liberace - now there was a real entertainer.

Here he is, as re-imagined by Bobby Crushed, at an event that Twin of Evil 1 - the inflammatory Vladarina Gortona - went to last night instead of getting out with me to see the Morris Lad.

I'd have paid good money to have swapped. Bobby always turns up.

And let the look-ee-likee comments drop, will you?

Sick lad breaks sweat

So the malingering Mancunian actually managed to turn up, looking not an inch like he'd been on his death bed two days before.

I bet there was a bacon butty somewhere in that recovery plan.

Still still ill?

Apparently needing a couple of days off cause he was out of puff, I am reassured to hear that the Morris Boy might be up to getting off his arse and doing a full set at the Hall of Prince Albert tonight.

These lightweight popstars just don't have the stamina.

Look at Sir Shirley Bassley. Now there's a woman and a half and an enormous following.

And while I'm warming to this theme, look at what I saw up a wall at up my street, about another olde-time trouper.

Made a great straight man for dear old Hattie.

Double dutch

I have been sent a totally inexplicable video and about what it is all supposed to be I am embefuddled.



Answers on a postcard to the usual address.

Basseytastic

I am being asked a lot of what all the fuss was about with the Sir Shirley Bassley performa-gig.

Watch and marvel.



Simply gorgeous, darlings!

Bassey Reaction Crazy Time Flip-Out

There is nothing like The Dame.

A Very Good Year?

1962 was jam-packed with stuff happening.

Just look at this list:

January
• January 1 – Western Samoa becomes independent from New Zealand.
• January 1 – The United States Navy SEALs are activated. SEAL Team One is commissioned in the Pacific Fleet and SEAL Team Two in the Atlantic Fleet.
• January 1 – The Beatles have their first and only audition for Decca Records (named The Decca audition).
• January 2 – NAACP Executive Secretary Roy Wilkins praises U.S. President John F. Kennedy's "personal role" in advancing civil rights.
• January 3 – Pope John XXIII excommunicates Fidel Castro.
• January 4 – New York City introduces a subway train that operates without a crew on board.
• January 5 – The Beatles' first record, "My Bonnie" with Tony Sheridan, is released by Polydor.
• January 8 – Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa is exhibited in the United States for the first time, at the National Gallery of Art in Washington, D.C..
• January 8 – Harmelen train disaster: 93 die in the worst Dutch rail disaster.
• January 9 – Cuba and the Soviet Union sign a trade pact.
• January 10 – An avalanche on Nevado Huascarán in Peru causes 4,000 deaths.
• January 12 – The Indonesian Army confirms that it has begun operations in West Irian.
• January 13 – Albania allies itself with the People's Republic of China.
• January 15 – Portugal abandons the U.N. General Assembly due to the debate over Angola.
• January 16 – A military coup occurs in the Dominican Republic.
• January 19 – A counter-coup occurs in the Dominican Republic; the old government returns except for the new president Rafael Filiberto Bonnelly.
• January 22 – The Organization of American States suspends Cuba's membership.
• January 24 – The East German government readopts conscription.
• January 24 – The Organisation armée secrète (OAS) bombs the French Foreign Ministry.
• January 26 – Ranger 3 is launched to study the Moon; it later misses the Moon by 22,000 miles.
• January 27 – The Soviet government changes all place names honoring Molotov, Kaganovich and Georgi Malenkov.
• January 30 – Two of the high-wire "Flying Wallendas" are killed, when their famous 7-person pyramid collapses during a performance in Detroit, Michigan.

February
• February 3 – The United States embargo against Cuba is announced.
• February 4 – The Sunday Times becomes the first paper to print a colour supplement.
• February 4–5 – During a new moon and solar eclipse, an extremely rare grand conjunction of the classical planets occurs (it includes all 5 of the naked-eye planets plus the Sun and Moon), all of them within 16° of one another on the ecliptic.
• February 5 – French President Charles de Gaulle calls for Algeria to be granted independence.
• February 6 – Negotiations between U.S. Steel and the United States Department of Commerce begin.
• February 7 – The United States Government bans all U.S.-related Cuban imports and exports.
• February 7 – A coal mine explosion in Saarland, West Germany kills 299.
• February 9 – The Taiwan Stock Exchange Corporation opens.
• February 10 – Captured American spy pilot Francis Gary Powers is exchanged for captured Soviet spy Rudolf Abel in Berlin.
• February 12 – Six members of the Committee of 100 of the Campaign for Nuclear Disarmament are found guilty of a breach of the Official Secrets Act.
• February 14 – First Lady Jacqueline Kennedy takes television viewers on a tour of the White House.
• February 15 – Urho Kekkonen is re-elected president of Finland.
• February 16 – Heavy storms flood Germany's North Sea coast, mainly around Hamburg; more than 300 people die, thousands lose their homes.
• February 20 – Project Mercury: While aboard Friendship 7, John Glenn becomes the first American to orbit the Earth, three times in 4 hours, 55 minutes.
• February 23 – Twelve European countries form the European Space Agency.

March
• March 1 – An American Airlines Boeing 707 crashes on takeoff at New York International Airport, after its rudder separates from the tail, with the loss of all life on board.
• March 2 – A military coup in Burma brings General Ne Win to power.
• March 2 – Wilt Chamberlain scores 100 points in a single NBA basketball game.
• March 7 – Ash Wednesday Storm: A snow storm batters the Mid-Atlantic.
• March 8–12 – In Geneva, France and the Algerian FLN begin negotiations.
• March 15 – Katangan Prime Minister Moise Tshombe begins negotiations to rejoin the Congo.
• March 18 – Évian Accords: France and Algeria sign an agreement in Évian-les-Bains ending the Algerian War.
• March 18 – Un premier amour by Isabelle Aubret (music by Claude-Henri Vic, text by Roland Stephane Valade) wins the Eurovision Song Contest 1962 for France.
• March 19 – An armistice begins in Algeria; however, the OAS continues its terrorist attacks against Algerians.
• March 23 – The Scandinavian States of the Nordic Council sign the Helsinki Convention on Nordic Co-operation.
• March 24 – OAS leader Edmond Jouahud is arrested in Oran.
• March 26 – France shortens the term for military service from 26 months to 18.
• March 26 – Baker v. Carr: The U.S. Supreme Court rules that federal courts can order state legislatures to reapportion seats.

April
• April 3 – Jawaharlal Nehru is elected de facto Prime Minister of India.
• April 4 – James Hanratty is hanged in Bedford Gaol for the A6 murder; many believe he is innocent.
• April 6 – Belgium reestablishes diplomatic relations with the Congo.
• April 6 – Leonard Bernstein causes controversy with his remarks before a concert featuring Glenn Gould with the New York Philharmonic.
• April 7 – Author Milovan Djilas is arrested in Yugoslavia.
• April 8 – In France, the Évian Accords are adopted in a referendum with a majority of 90%.
• April 9 – The 34th Academy Awards ceremony is held; West Side Story wins Best Picture.
• April 10 – In Los Angeles, California, the first MLB game is played at Dodger Stadium.
• April 13 – OAS leader Edmond Jouhaud is sentenced to death in France.
• April 14 – A Cuban military tribunal convicts 1,179 Bay of Pigs attackers.
• April 18 – The Commonwealth Immigration Bill in the United Kingdom removes free immigration from the citizens of member states of the Commonwealth of Nations.
• April 20 – OAS leader Raoul Salan is arrested in Algiers.
• April 21 – The Century 21 Exposition World's Fair opens in Seattle, Washington.
• April 26 – The Ranger 4 spacecraft crashes into the Moon.
May
• May – The Hulk debuts with The Incredible Hulk #1 by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby.
• May 1 – Norwich City wins the English League Cup, beating Rochdale in the final.
• May 1 – Dayton Hudson Corporation opens the first of its Target discount stores in Roseville, Minnesota.
• May 2 – An OAS bomb explodes in Algeria – this and other attacks kill 110 and injure 147.
• May 3 – 160 die in a triple-train disaster near Tokyo.
• May 5 – Twelve East Germans escape via a tunnel under the Berlin Wall.
• May 6 – Antonio Segni is elected President of the Italian Republic.
• May 14 – Juan Carlos of Spain marries the Greek Princess Sophia in Athens.
• May 14 – Milovan Djilas, former vice-president of Yugoslavia, is given further sentence for publishing Conversations with Stalin.
• May 23 – Drilling for the new Montreal subway commences.
• May 23 – Raoul Salan, founder of the French terrorist Organisation armée secrète, is sentenced to life imprisonment in France.
• May 24 – Project Mercury: Scott Carpenter orbits the Earth 3 times in the Aurora 7 space capsule.
• May 25 – The new Coventry Cathedral is consecrated in London.
• May 29 – Negotiations between the OAS and the FLA lead to a real armistice in Algeria.
• May 30 – The 1962 FIFA World Cup begins in Chile.
June
• June 1 – Adolf Eichmann is hanged in Israel.
• June 3 – Air France charter flight Chateau de Sully, a Boeing 707, over-runs the runway at Orly Airport in Paris; 130 of 132 passengers are killed, 2 flight attendants survive. Most victims are cultural and civic leaders of Atlanta, Georgia.
• June 6 – President John F. Kennedy gives the commencement address at the United States Military Academy at West Point, New York.
• June 11 – President John F. Kennedy gives the commencement address at Yale University.
• June 11 – Frank Morris, John Anglin and Clarence Anglin become the only apparently successful escapees from the Alcatraz Island prison. There is no conclusive evidence that they survived the attempt.
• June 15 – Students for a Democratic Society complete the Port Huron Statement.
• June 17 – The OAS signs a truce with the FLN in Algeria, but a day later announces that it will continue the fight on behalf of French Algerians.
• June 17 – Brazil beats Czechoslovakia 3–1 to win the 1962 FIFA World Cup.
• June 22 – An Air France Boeing 707 jet crashes into terrain during bad weather in Guadeloupe, West Indies, killing all 113 on board. It is the airline's second fatal accident in just 3 weeks, and the third fatal 707 crash of the year.
• June 25 – Engel v. Vitale: The United States Supreme Court rules that mandatory prayers in public schools are unconstitutional.
• June 25 – MANual Enterprises v. Day: The United States Supreme Court rules that photographs of nude men are not obscene, decriminalizing nude male pornographic magazines.
• June 26 – A 2-day steel strike begins in Italy, in support of increased wages and a 5-day working week.
• June 28 – The United Lutheran Church in America, Finnish Evangelical Lutheran Church of America, American Evangelical Lutheran Church, and Augustana Evangelical Lutheran Church merge to form the Lutheran Church in America.
• June 30 – The last soldiers of the French Foreign Legion leave Algeria.
July
• July 1 – Rwanda and Burundi gain independence.
• July 1 – Supporters of Algerian independence win 99% majority in a referendum.
• July 1 – A heavy smog develops over London.
• July 2 – Charles de Gaulle accepts Algerian independence; France recognizes it the next day.
• July 2 – The first Wal-Mart store opens for business in Rogers, Arkansas.
• July 5 – Algeria becomes independent from France.
• July 6 – Irish broadcaster Gay Byrne presents his first edition of The Late Late Show. Byrne goes on to present the talk show for 37 years, making it the longest running in the world.
• July 10 – AT&T's Telstar, the world's first commercial communications satellite, is launched into orbit, and activated the next day.
• July 12 – The Rolling Stones make their debut at London's Marquee Club, Number 165 Oxford Street, opening for Long John Baldry.
• July 13 – In what the press dubs the "the Night of the Long Knives", United Kingdom Prime Minister Harold Macmillan dismisses 1/3 of his Cabinet.
• July 17 – Nuclear testing: The "Small Boy" test shot Little Feller I becomes the last atmospheric test detonation at the Nevada Test Site.
• July 19 – The First Annual Swiss & Wielder Hoop and Stick Tournament is held.
• July 20 – France and Tunisia reestablish diplomatic relations.
• July 22 – Mariner program: The Mariner 1 spacecraft flies erratically several minutes after launch and has to be destroyed.
• July 23 – Telstar relays the first live trans-Atlantic television signal.
• July 28 – A locust swarm threatens New Delhi.
• July 31 – Algeria proclaims independence; Ahmed Ben Bella is the first President.
• July 31 – A crowd assaults the rally of Sir Oswald Mosley's right-wing Union Movement in London.
August
• August 4 – Marilyn Monroe accidentally overdoses on a mix of sedatives and Champagne a few hours before midnight.
• August 5 – The South African government arrests Nelson Mandela in Howick, and charges him with incitement to rebellion.
• August 6 – Jamaica becomes independent.
• August 15 – The New York Agreement is signed trading the West New Guinea colony to Indonesia.
• August 16 – Beatles drummer Pete Best is fired and replaced by Ringo Starr.
• August 16 – Algeria joins the Arab League.
• August 17 – East German border guards kill 18-year-old Peter Fechter, as he attempts to cross the Berlin Wall into West Berlin.
• August 10 – Marvel Comics publishes Amazing Fantasy #15, which features the superhero character of Spider-Man, created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko.
• August 22 – A failed assassination attempt is made against French President Charles De Gaulle.
• August 23 – John Lennon secretly marries Cynthia Powell.
• August 24 – A group of armed Cuban exile terrorists fire at a hotel in Havana from a speedboat.
• August 27 – NASA launches the Mariner 2 space probe.
• August 31 – Trinidad and Tobago becomes independent.
September
• September 1 – A referendum in Singapore supports the Malayan Federation.
• September 1 – Typhoon Wanda strikes Hong Kong, killing at least 130 and wounding more than 600.
• September 2 – The Soviet Union agrees to send arms to Cuba.
• September 8 – Newly independent Algeria, by referendum, adopts a constitution.
• September 12 – President John F. Kennedy, at a speech at Rice University, reaffirms that the U.S. will put a man on the moon by the end of the decade.
• September 21 – A border conflict between China and India erupts into fighting.
• September 21 – New Musical Express, a British music magazine, publishes a story about two 13-year-old schoolgirls, Sue and Mary, releasing a disc on Decca and adds "A Liverpool group, The Beatles, have recorded 'Love Me Do' for Parlophone Records, set for October 5 release."
• September 25 – Sonny Liston and Floyd Patterson fight for the boxing world title.
• September 26 – Civil war erupts in Yemen.
• September 27 – A flash flood in Barcelona, Spain, kills more than 440.
• September 27 – Rachel Carson's book Silent Spring is released, giving rise to the modern environmentalist movement.
• September 28 – Prime Minister Ahmed Ben Bella founds the first government in Algeria.
• September 29 – The Canadian Alouette 1, the first satellite built outside the United States and the Soviet Union, is launched from Vandenberg AFB in California.
• September 30 – CBS broadcasts the final episodes of Suspense and Yours Truly, Johnny Dollar, marking the end of the Golden Age of Radio.
October
• October 1 – The first black student, James Meredith, registers at the University of Mississippi, escorted by Federal Marshals.
• October 1 – Johnny Carson takes over as permanent host of NBC's Tonight Show, a post he would hold for 30 years.
• October 5 – The French National Assembly censures the proposed referendum to sanction presidential elections by popular mandate; Prime Minister Georges Pompidou resigns, but President de Gaulle asks him to stay in office.
• October 5 – Dr. No, the first James Bond film, premieres in UK theaters.
• October 5 – The Beatles release their first single for EMI, Love Me Do.
• October 8 – The German magazine Der Spiegel publishes an article about the Bundeswehr's poor preparedness; the Spiegel scandal erupts.
• October 8 – Algeria is accepted into the United Nations.
• October 9 – Uganda becomes independent within the Commonwealth of Nations.
• October 10 – The Sino-Indian War, a border dispute involving two of the world's largest nations (India and the People's Republic of China), begins.
• October 10 – Der Spiegel publishes an article on a NATO exercise criticizing the weakness of the West German army.
• October 11 – Second Vatican Council: Pope John XXIII convenes the first ecumenical council of the Roman Catholic Church in 92 years.
• October 12 – The infamous Columbus Day Storm strikes the U.S. Pacific Northwest with wind gusts up to 170 mph (270 km/h); 46 are killed, 11 billion board feet (26 million m³) of timber is blown down, with $230 million U.S. in damages.
• October 12 – Jazz bassist/composer Charles Mingus presents a disastrous concert at Town Hall in New York City. It will gain a reputation as the worst moment of his career.
• October 13 – Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? opens on Broadway.
• October 14 – Cuban Missile Crisis begins: A U-2 flight over Cuba takes photos of Soviet nuclear weapons being installed. A stand-off then ensues the next day between the United States and the Soviet Union, threatening the world with nuclear war.
• October 22 – In a televised address, U.S. President John F. Kennedy announces to the nation the existence of Soviet missiles in Cuba.
• October 26 – Spiegel scandal: German police occupy Der Spiegel offices in Hamburg.
• October 28 – Cuban Missile Crisis: Soviet Union leader Nikita Khrushchev announces that he has ordered the removal of Soviet missile bases in Cuba. In a secret deal between Kennedy and Khrushchev Kennedy agrees to the withdrawal of U.S. missiles from Turkey. The fact that this deal is not made public makes it look like the Soviets have backed down.
• October 28 – A referendum in France favours the election of the president by universal suffrage.
• October 31 – The UN General Assembly asks the United Kingdom to suspend enforcement of the new constitution in Southern Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), but the constitution comes into effect on November 1.
November
• November 1 – The Soviets begin dismantling their missiles in Cuba.
• November 1 – The first issue of Diabolik is published in Italy.
• November 3 – The term "personal computer" is first mentioned by the media.
• November 5 – Franz Josef Strauß, the West German defence minister, is relieved of his duties over the Spiegel scandal, due to his alleged involvement in police action against the magazine.
• November 5 – Saudi Arabia breaks off diplomatic relations with Egypt, following a period of unrest partly caused by the defection of several Saudi princes to Egypt.
• November 5 – A coal mining disaster in Ny-Ålesund kills 21 people. The Norwegian government is forced to resign in the aftermath of this accident in August, 1963.
• November 6 – Apartheid: The United Nations General Assembly passes a resolution condemning South Africa's racist apartheid policies, and calls for all UN member states to cease military and economic relations with the nation.
• November 7 – Richard M. Nixon loses the California governor's race. In his concession speech, he states that this is his "last press conference" and that "you won't have Dick Nixon to kick around any more".
• November 17 – In Washington, D.C., U.S. President John F. Kennedy dedicates Dulles International Airport.
• November 20 – The Cuban Missile Crisis ends: In response to the Soviet Union agreeing to remove its missiles from Cuba, U.S. President John F. Kennedy ends the quarantine of the Caribbean nation.
• November 23 – United Airlines Flight 297 crashes, killing all 17 on board.
• November 26 – Spiegel scandal: German police end their occupation of Der Spiegel's offices.
• November 26 – Mies Bouwman starts presenting the first live TV-marathon fundraising show (Open Het Dorp), which lasts 23 hours non-stop.
• November 27 – French President Charles De Gaulle orders Georges Pompidou to form a government.
• November 29 – An agreement is signed between Britain and France to develop the Concorde supersonic airliner.
• November 30 – The United Nations General Assembly elects U Thant of Burma as the new UN Secretary-General.
December
• December 2 – Vietnam War: After a trip to Vietnam at the request of U.S. President John F. Kennedy, U.S. Senate Majority Leader Mike Mansfield becomes the first American official to make a non-optimistic public comment on the war's progress.
• December 7 – Rainier III, Prince of Monaco revises the principality's constitution, devolving some of his formerly autocratic power to several advisory and legislative councils.
• December 8 – The first period of the Second Vatican Council closes.
• December 8 – The North Kalimantan National Army revolts in Brunei, in the first stirrings of the Indonesian Confrontation.
• December 8 – The 1962 New York City newspaper strike begins, affecting all of the city's major newspapers; It would last for 114 days.
• December 9 – Tanganyika (now Tanzania) becomes a republic within the Commonwealth, with Julius Nyerere as president.
• December 10 – David Lean's epic film Lawrence of Arabia, featuring Peter O' Toole, Omar Sharif, Alec Guinness, Jack Hawkins, and Anthony Quinn premieres in London.
• December 11 – In West Germany, a coalition government of Christian Democrats, Christian Socialists, and Free Democrats is formed.
• December 11 – The last execution by hanging takes place in Canada.
• December 14 – U.S. spacecraft Mariner 2 flies by Venus, becoming the first probe to successfully transmit data from another planet.
• December 19 – Britain acknowledges the right of Nyasaland (now Malawi) to secede from the Central African Federation.
• December 22 – "Big Freeze" in Britain: There are no frost-free nights until March 5, 1963.
• December 24 – Cuba releases the last 1,113 participants in the Bay of Pigs Invasion to the U.S., in exchange for food worth $53 million.
• December 30 – United Nations troops occupy the last rebel positions in Katanga; Moise Tshombe moves to South Rhodesia.
• December 30 – An unexpected storm buries Maine under five feet of snow, forcing the Bangor Daily News to miss a publication date for the first and only time in history.

But I keep feeling there's something missing.

What can it be?

Answers to the usual address, Comrades.