A drug-crazed serial fantasist writes
Dear Uncle Colin
A friend of mine has fallen out with a long standing friend over something trivial. They are both too proud and pig headed to make the first move to try to repair the friendship. How do I get them to see sense and make-up?
Please can you help?
Anon
Uncle Colin advises such and thuslike:
Firstly can I say that I think you need to question yourself as to whether you are jumping to conclusions about the triviality of the issue at the heart of this matter. It could easily be - and I do not feel I am overstating things here - a matter the like of which would cause a schism in any established organisation, not to mention the possibility of all-out thermo-nuclear war. Think on, will you?
Now, using all my skills as a rooter-out of all kinds of relationship problems, and my gifts for empathy and understanding, I can read between the lines of your tear-streaked email and see that one of these 'friends' is a headstrong galoot and not worth the fuss you are making about him. You really shouldn't be upsetting yourself over this as it seems he's made up his mind to build up the breach beyond any bridging, and I am sure will live to regret his buffoonish ways and his appalling behaviour viz. the other.
After all, the other is clearly a fine and handsome member of the community, with a wealth of taste, good judgement and wit, and not fit to have his boots licked clean by the likes of the friendship-wrecking boor. Yes, I can see it all now, quite clearly. This fine chap has a magnificent head of hair, and an even finer collection of figurines. He has a winning way with the laydeez, and an iron grip, which he knows they like. He knows when his mind is made up, and being a man of principle will let neither information nor sense alter his firmness of purpose. I feel nothing but admiration for the chap.
Yes, I think you've misinterpreted it all, but fear not - it is something many laydeez of a certain age and in need of some hard loving often do.
And this giant among men I've described - well, to be blunt - you'd be a fool to let this one go. His only fault is his generosity and his romantically-inclined nature. He's a real catch and you truly should be grateful you've got the chance of a crack at him. Forget all this other rot about his clearly unlikeable friend (someone he has no doubt lavished kindness and attention on over the years, only to be repaid with gripes and chuntering abuse) and clasp this God among men to your breast, and plead with him to make you happy and bring you bliss by the bucketload.
I think that you would benefit greatly from a private consultation with yours truly for a spot of the old mermerism. By this means I would be able to exploit the opportunities provided by your drowsiness AND discover the source of your inability to understand what is really going on around you. Drop me a line at the usual address and let me know your rates.
Comfortingly yours
Uncle Colin, the agoniser's friend
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