I know you are all getting excited about my birthday TOMORROW.
In a vain attempt to avoid last year's debacle when I received a number of highly-unsuitable gifts which were clearly intended to be purely of an ephemeral and 'humorous' type, I have been asked by someone to provide a list of my wishes and wants.
I have not listed anything under a value of £10 as I believe you may be disappointed by my reaction should you choose to risk your relationship with me if such are offered.
THE DERRIG WEE GIFTY LIST (BIRTHDAY 2008)
Any Morris or Smith collectables
Something loud and annoying
Royal Family display plates
Unusual drinkables
"Sta-Fresh" socks and underwear
Cash-money (sterling only)
Helena Barter-Conham picture book
A romantic meal for two* at The Ivy
Framed portraits of I, Derrig
TOTALLY UNNACCEPTABLE GIFTS
Home-made items (however professional-looking)
Charity tokens that say you have bought a starving-abroad person a sandwich or similar on my behalf
Fruit-based presents
Non-serviceable boxer shorts
It's not that difficult, is it?
I urge you all to consult with one another before making a purchase for me as I do not want you to waste your time having to go onto ebay for me to dispose of your duplicate and send me on the cash.I will be attending Club Derrig tomorrow - the glorious date of my birth, praise be to me - for my usual pre-prandial, where you will be able to purchase drinks for me and generally laud me and pay tribute.
Now, crack on, people - you've only today to get it all sorted.
*Not with you, of course.
6 comments:
No "Fruit-based presents" wanted?
I'll take that case of Fruli back, then ...
I don't wish to be pernickety, but I think you'll find that 'fruit-based' is far from 'fruit-containing'. For example, a packet of salt and vinegar crisps are crisp-based, but contain salt and vinegar. The base of Fruli is a white beer, gawd bless it. Can you understand this basic concept?
I await the case you have so rashly implicitly promised.
Too late now – already got the refund in my sweaty palm.
Still, I might be able to come up with something "Something loud and annoying".
Oh, you're coming along tomorrow night, then?
That's a bit personal, isn't it?
Anyway, I'm disappointed at your intended civil partner 'Mr' Ben's unwillingness to 'serve' you tomorrow night.
I hope you shall punish him appropriately.
(I may have said this before – my Safari is playing up something rotten)
As I said before, drongoes of the lowest order.
"Mr" Ben draws up the rota, which I understand is done through consultation and not by some arcane black or white smoke out of a flipping chimney dark arts kind of shenaniganic-chicanery.
It would seem he has done the sensible thing and ensured he is free to be at my side throughout my celebrations. And in any case at events of this kind I always find its helpful to have someone willing to hold my nuts for me, as my own hands are usually occupied with bottled gifts.
But it would be good to have another volunteer to keep a grip on my crisps as well, though, in case anyone out there is feeling at a loose end?
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