A regular fixture slumped at the bar of Club Derrig, Madamoiselle Tallulah "Fizzy-Shenanigans" McGuinness can be relied on for a full evening of entertainment, bawdy stories, and tailfeather-shaking.
To meet her one would think what a charming, if a tad sozzled, bohemian-type cracker. One would have no idea of the sad and troubled life she has led.
I think, therefore, it only right that I put on record her pitiful story, as told to me by her over the course of an extremely long and tedious evening. I was fortunate enough to have a tape recorder with me to capture Tallulah in all her glory, and I have faithfully transcribed her interminable monologue for your edification.
"...and er, yes. What? Ah, yes. Yes! Quite right. Stick another one in there, will you. Oh, go on then, a double. What? Oh yes."
"I was born by the river, in a little tent. No, wait a minute. That was Sam Cooke. Wasn't it? No, I remember now. Playing in the snow with my sled. Old Rosebud....whatever became of it? Wheeee! I used to go. Wheee! Down the hill. Very fast, you know. Ever so fast. WATCH OUT FOR THAT TREE! No, hang on, that was the fat feller - Horse'n'Welles. That Citizen Caned chappie. Oh, yes. My round already? Gosh, comes round like nobody's business, eh?"
"You know, there's no chicken in these crisps. Just the flavour they extract from them. Go through a wringer or similar, I imagine. The rest ends up in turkey roll. All true."
"I had that Pablo Pizzicato paint me once. It was his blue period. Couldn't get the stuff off for days. There I was wandering about like some ancient Brit all woaded-up. Can you imagine? Really? No, surely not! What, still? Well, I must get in that bathroom and have a good old scrub at it. Don't have any Ajax on you I suppose?"
"No, listen. Big conspiracy I heard about. Ssshh! Lean in a bit, can't have just anyone knowing this. I am sworn to secrecy. Can't tell a soul. My life depends on it. Gordon Brown. You know him? Big chap, on the telly a lot? No, not all that good at smiling. Ssssh. Scottish. Scottish! Can you believe it? There's hundreds of them. Running the country. An undercover network of them. Yes, me too. Totally shocked. No, I'd never marry one...Oh? Did I? Well, there's a turn up!"
"I do remember my dear old Mum. Played lead tuba in our musical group Superb Cuban Tuba Turbans. We all played tubas. Mum, Dad, and me. All eight of us. What, already?Oh go on then, just a little one. Yes, yes, a little double. Yes, Suburban Tuba Cooper Cubanos - a great little twelve-piece band. All on tubas. You know, there wasn't a place we weren't thrown out of after our first number. Not ready for it, you see, too many closed minds. Ava Gardner, you know? Sorry, Avant Gardner. Oh, absolutely. Or that might have been the Seven Little Foys? James Craggy, eh?"
"Look. LOOK! I bet you can't do this. Watch now. Watch...One! Two! Hup!.......CHRIST ALL-BLOODY MIGHTY. WHAT WAS I THINKING?.....Do you do first aid?"
"OK, where were we. OK. Right. Yes I was at the OK corral, shooting it out with the Clantons and the Earps. BANG! BANG-BANG-BANGEDY! BANG! Real bullets. Whizzing by like nobody's business. LOOK OUT, WYATT! Ooops. No, it wasn't me. No, I wasn't even pointing it at him. Well, I didn't pull the trigger. Not hard. Sorry....Hang on....NOW HOLD ON JUST A DOGGONE MINUTE! That was Burt Lancashire. I wasn't even in the country at the time. Stop confusing me with your offer of drinks. Well, if I must."
"I was in outer space once. That or the Caledonian Road. And I had a hat."
"Hey! Wake up! Here's a thing: I used do that wing-walking. You know, on the wing of an aeroplane. Very dangerous, I can tell you. Need all your powers of concentration, balance, and confidence. Couldn't do it now, of course. Terrible thing - I saw a girl fall off once. GET DOWN! That's what they used to shout at me. GET DOWN! I would wave back, not a care in the world. GET DOWN! THE PLANE CAN'T TAKE OFF WITH YOU UP THERE YOU DRUNKEN IDIOT! The more I waved the more they shouted. Those were the days."
"I ran into this bar once and started singing and dancing. Dressed in buckskins, and waving a gun around. How did it go? Window shopping eyes-a-popping...the best of times, the worst of times. Doris Daze? Why clever you - yes, she was there too! How on earth did you know?"
"Derek Griffiths and Michael Fish? Amazing! Well, you learn something new every day."
"I've got the most tremendous memory for conversations. I can recite word-for-word YES I SAID WORD FOR WORD - FOR GOD'S SAKE PAY ATTENTION WILL YOU! Yes, anything anyone has ever said to me. Absolutely.Word-for-blooming-word."Hello." They say that a lot. And there was one I remembered earlier. Damned if I can...oh yes, here goes, "Get out of the bloody way." Yes, a remarkable memory."
"Did you know, I go out walking after midnight? In the moonlight, just like we used to do? Just walk away Renee you won't see me follow you back home. Keep it up, two, three, four! Oh the aim of our patrol...what? Peter Purves? Once. Up a ladder. Big bandanna he had and terrible acne. Shocking. Oh you naughty boy, go on then. Another one for the road never did anyone any harm. Gosh, you look very tall. Like a giant. What? No idea. Did I fall? Give me a hand up will you? HEY! GET YOUR GRUBBY HANDS OFF MY BOA!"
And there, I'm afraid, the tape ran out.
Unfortunately, Tallulah was able to go on for many hours more.
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