The Important Things In Life (Part Two)

A Derrig cannot live by bread alone.

Yes, I'm going to write about sustenance. In fact the three key elements of a healthy and nutritious diet: food and drink.

Let us begin the lesson with the noble doner kebab, that mighty tower of off-cuts and floor-sweepings pressed into a majestic rotating tube of fat-dribbling "meat". See how it slowly browns as each side nears the searing heat of the flame! See how the grease runs in torrents down the column of cooking animal flesh! See how it solidifies into waxy droppings! No - none of that rabbit food with it please. Just stuff slivers of it into a pitta (God was having a very good day when he came up with that particular bread product) and I'll be on my way.

The kebab is unsurpassed as a hot-food product, coming barely second in the overall rankings of solid nutrition to Walker's Cheese and Onion French Fries which edge it on the grounds of not having to be heated and also available across the counter at Club Derrig.

Next I turn to drink, as is so often the case, and the mighty Mangers "Irish Cider".

Too many drinks producers think they can get away with a canny bit of marketing and the average English drooligan will lap it up. Not so with Mangers, which is reassuringly expensive for all those who buy me one, and well off the radar to the heavy and determined drinker. Full of satisfying chemicals brought together in a secret formula, it's one of the few drinks one can consume at length and without fear of any kind of morning after implications. A lovely weak Tizer colour as well.

But, as a man with a palate that requires the fresh stimulation of new and exciting flavours, I rarely let an evening pass these days without recourse to the drink of the Gods: Jagermeister.

I did not actually invent this drink, but if I had it would taste exactly like it does: alcoholic Liquifruta - a cough medicine from my youth, which makes Jagermeister a nostalgic delight too.

And it doesn't stop there. Jagermeister can be mixed with ABSOLUTELY ANY DRINK IN ANY PROPORTIONS and the result is heaven in a glass. My own favourite recipe is a cocktail called the Eezy-Queezy, mixing Thai fish sauce, milk, ghee, coca-cola, tequila, and the Jagermeister. I'm not going to reveal the precise recipe, so experiment yourselves and see what you come up with.

And again, for an alcoholic drink, it has no nasty after effects and does not show up in breath and blood tests. Most Friday evenings you will find me at Club Derrig necking a dozen or so pints of Mangers, followed by six or seven large Jagermeister-based cocktails. Amazingly I will be none the worse for wear by the time work rolls around on a Monday morning!

But do drink sensibly.