Rust bucket ahoy

I am appalled.

I spent almost a hundred good English pounds sterling cash for a luxury cruise to the South of Southern Africa and the SS General Smuts turns up in this condition at the port of Margate.

To cap it all I am to be classed as 'steerage'.

I have written to the great statesman Mr.Manderlay and his Desmond Too too, expressing my outrage and demanding they do something about this dreadful state of affairs p.d.q.

It's all well and good getting visits from Titmarsh and the Spicy Girls, but if a world-class leader can't see that his peers are properly accommodated, then the world is going down the pan.

My heart will go on, indeed!

I have faxed Argy who is preparing to receive me on arrival with transport commensurate with my status.