Bring it on!

I rose at 3am this morning. It is my birthday and I want to spend as much of the day as possible enjoying the love and gifts to be bestowed on me.

And I do not want to do it in a state of low-life scumminess, unlike '"Mr.Ben" although I defend to the death his right to do so.

So I rose at 3am and proceeded to my annual birthday bathday regime of a top-to-toe nook and cranny degunking. I find that a number of dentist's implements are useful for this exercise, especially the mirror on a bent stick and the sharp one they use for scraping out the tartar and poking around in cavities and giving them a good raking out.

Next I turn to the "glove of rough love", a marvellous device which is one side brillo pad and the other side coconut mat, which I use for descaling and scrubbing away of any deposits that may have accumulated over the preceeding year.

Then its enbalming myself with swarfega and slooshing it off with a power shower (set on tsunami-blaster mode), a bit like hosing down a grand old dobbin. Then I plunge myself into a bath of fairy liquid before giving myself the old power shower one-two treatment again.

Next I'm into a hot tub with loads of bubbles. Not exactly sure where they come from, but it all adds to the effect.

I towel down (using a hairdryer for the stubborn folds and creases). Once dry, I have a half hour of rolling around the bathroom floor in about half a pound of talc and then BANG! On with the moisturisers and unguents.

I let them soak in a bit, before a further application and a rest in front of the big screen to air my delicates.

A quick but essential visit to my barber (Trumpington's) follows and I am only then ready to dress for the day.

Lately I have favoured the pre-Labeur look of the "wrinkled" trend, which it takes great skill and determination to iron properly into my shirts and slacks.

Finally, with a puff of hair-dressing over my glorious pompadour, and an admiring glance in the hall mirror, I am ready for the exuberance and jollity of the day before me!

You scum really don't deserve me. No, really, you don't.