Team CD on their way to glorious victory: (Back row L-R) Mr. Benjamin 'Bottler' Thomas,
Yours Truly, Mad Dicky Evans. (Front row L-R) Gavin ' Rugby star? Moi?'Edwards,
The Genius Amanuensis Williams; and Tim 'Lyonnaise' Bertuchi.
I am overwhelmed to bring you news that I have single-handedly saved Team CD from the indignity of Dicky "Science Officer" Evans making a fool of us all in the audition for 'Smartarses'.
I suppose to be fair, Dicky's questions were far harder than he may have expected and he wasn't listening.
Confronted with an opposition of two surly unemployed youths with terrible haircuts or some kind of alopecia, the team - under my guidance - still went on to snatch a stunning victory from the jaws of a no-score-draw.
In his usual louche manner Mr.B.T. (or 'Beattie' as he has chosen as a stage name) managed to dredge up at least one wrong answer and still defeat his hopeless opponent. Par for the course.
The Genius Amanuensis did a cool, efficient job, slamming his opponent to the carpet in a neat no-nonsense way before being reminded it was an audition for 'Smartarses'. He then charmed his way effortlessly through his questions leaving the would-be-indie-band-member 'Dan' torn and broken in a mental way.
La Bertuchi (specialist subject: hiking), polished off a food and drink round with a string of guesses that could see him making an appearance on the next series of MasterCooker as a guest judge.
I have to play special tribute to my choice of replacement for the Spiv (who was seduced by the Lady Jojojo into spending a 'long' weekend in a house in Hastings with pampas grass in front of it) one Gavin 'Newsreader? Moi?' Edwards - and his unerring ability to identify the bazooka as the national musical instrument of mass delusion of that plucky little nation Japan.
For myself, I believe I acquitted myself well with many jolly quips and comic interjections, along with a little subtle physical comedy, which had them rolling in the aisles - a larger-than-life performance which saved us from slipping into the rejection pile and no error. The camera could barely contain my enormity.
I look forward to taking on that BJ and Daphnia mano-a-mano.
UPDATE: Beattie is miffed. He was asked in the auditions to name the famous politican author of the the book "While England Slept". He proffered a rather uncertain reply of Winston Churchill, and was told he was WRONG!!! The spavined youth pretending to be the real 'Smartarses' quizmeister Dermot Murderman said the answer was J.F. Kennedy.
However, Beattie writes now:
"According to the official Winston Churchill website he did have a book published in 1938 called ‘While England Slept’, the JFK book was called ‘Why England Slept’ published in 1940 in reference to the earlier Winston Churchill title. I’ve a good mind to write to Eggheads."
4 comments:
Well done, team CD.
However, even if a team gets to go on the show proper, I hear on the grapevine that Auntie can chuck out certain team members for a variety of reasons – showboating too much, for instance.
I trust there's no possibility of that in the case of your good self, Col? No over-egging of the televisual pudding?
No one one over-eggs my pudding televisually or otherwise, with or without my permission.
P.S. Proofing error - that should be Team CD with a capital 'T', surely?
Congratulations – I knew you would sail through the audition – does this mean you will definitely be on telly and if so when? Have you decided what you’re going to wear? You should definitely all wear your pants over your trousers (not only to emulate Superman but to intimidate your opponents.)
Her lusciousness, the Twin of Evil A
Dear Twin of Evil A,
You have been asking the question that everyone wants to know.
The actual date of transmission depends on a number of factors, the main one being our availability. I am, as you will know, a social gadfly and my schedule is stuffed with laydeez needing my attentions. And if we get picked to go on the shortlist, of course, but there seems little doubt of that, and we expect to have our gold-edged invitations popped thorugh our slots sometime before the end of November.
Chin-chin!
Col
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